Renaissance, Van Gogt; jimroberts' review

(ETA: Damn! I've misspelt the author's name in the topic.)

Does anybody want to comment on my review of Renaissance before I post it? (Die Unterdrückten — I can't get a touchstone from the English title.)
Update: I've added a bit to the end of the first para, cut out a lot of detail from the fifth and made a couple of other small changes. See message 6.

Update: I've posted the review here.

Renaissance is almost totally absurd from beginning to end, but even its absurdities can be thought provoking. It is set in a fairly near future (2023), about forty years after human civilisation has been changed by contact from an alien race, the Utt. The Utt examined the state of humanity, decided that all problems were the fault of the male part, and introduced rules to correct this.

Men are not allowed to own property or drive vehicles. Most important, all men at puberty are given a drug which renders them permanently very short sighted, and the only way to correct this by wearing special glasses designed by the Utt. As well as correcting for the short sightedness, these glasses filter out those parts of the spectrum which make women attractive. (Just believe it, OK?) Women are not allowed any scientific education — later in the book, we find out why. (It seems there were no problems in the transitional period while there were still educated women. Perhaps Van Vogt is indicating his opinion of the state of women's education at the time of writing?) Marriage is permanent: there is no divorce and the partners must live together.

Apparently there has been little scientific or technical progress in the decades since the Utt takeover. This may just be due to the lack of imagination so common in science fiction, but it can more charitably be explained as the result of alien dominance and the rules imposed by the Utt. Nevertheless, whenever the plot requires our protagonist, the physicist Dr Grayson, to use some nifty gadget, he can obtain, make or invent what he needs.

The story opens with Grayson working in his office. His hears two sharp pings and his vision blurs: his lenses have both split horizontally across the middle. He takes some high quality transparent sticky tape, made by the company he works for, and mends the lenses with that so that he can see clearly again. At this point, the owner of the company, Miss Haskett, comes into his office and he realises that he can see more clearly than before: not only is she attractive, she is obviously lonely and in need of affection. Apparently she instinctively realises that he is no longer the typical post-Utt male, and in the ensuing conversation, she volunteers the information that she lives alone in her own apartment. A little later, her secretary gives him an address.

Feeling too confused to do any more work, he goes home, where he is surprised that his wife is not at home, although the subject of what she does while he's at work has never come up. He lies on his bed and sleeps a while. When his wife comes into his bedroom, she also recognises that he is not his usual subdued self and is both terrified and sexually aroused, which Grayson can recognise by smell, so he sends her to take a bath. Their marriage is typical of post-Utt marriage: shortly after the wedding, the wife rejects almost all sexual activity and treats her husband with contempt. With thirty years of this behind him, Grayson rudely rebuffs his wife when after her bath she lies down naked beside him. After dinner, he goes out and makes his way to the address Miss Haskett's secretary gave him. Miss Haskett invites him in, and it is not long before they are in her bed.

The next day a man claiming to represent a resistance movement contacts him and gives him a phone number. Grayson doesn't like his threatening attitude, so he constructs a device which traces a call to the number so well that he knows the address, and one which sends a signal along the line which implants false memories in the brain of the person at the other end, which Grayson can exploit when he visits the address.

All that is just the beginning of the book, there is plenty more to come. He fascinates more women, he is imprisoned by the Utt and escapes, he finds out what women do while their husbands are at work, he organises his own resistance movement, and generally overcomes all obstacles and improves the lot of downtrodden male humanity.

Utterly absurd, but fun.

Seems fine to me - I'm sure the nit pickers will be along to comb out those bits of grammar that elude me!

It's mostly a plot based review, which isn't necessarily a problem - but some might see as a bit spoilery. You do say it's 'just the beginning of the book' so it should be ok.

Maybe you could comment on how well you thought it worked as a parody and whether the author's criticisms of society are valid - but that might be a bit serious for what seems to be a lighthearted sf book.

It really is just the beginning, less than 25 pages (of 156), except for the bit about finding the resistance address and messing up their telephonist's mind, that's about 40 pages in I think. I wanted to say enough to indicate that whatever problems the Utt have solved (and Van Vogt never says what they were &mdash maybe I should point that out in the first para), it hasn't come without a cost.

I know that the entire review only encapsulates the first twenty five pages, but it is still way too much detail to me. Up to that point it is good because we can see that this is a novel about a character who by mistake begins to find reason to question society.

After the fourth paragraph I would start giving general mentions of what occurs in the story rather than the step by step detail given in paragraphs five and six.

#4: jseger9000
Yes, paragraph five (about his wife) is too long, I'll try to fix that, but I want to keep something about all the unhappy marriages because that's important for the book.

Here's the new, hopefully improved, version: I've added a bit to the end of the first para, cut out a lot of detail from the fifth and made a couple of other small changes.

Renaissance is almost totally absurd from beginning to end, but even its absurdities can be thought provoking. It is set in a fairly near future (2023), about forty years after human civilisation has been changed by contact from an alien race, the Utt. The Utt examined the state of humanity, decided that all problems were the fault of the male part, and introduced rules to correct this. It is not clear what problems the Utt intended to solve, but it becomes clear that their solution comes at considerable cost.

Under Utt rules, men are not allowed to own property or drive vehicles. Most important, all men at puberty are given a drug which renders them permanently very short sighted, and the only way to correct this by wearing special glasses designed by the Utt. As well as correcting for the short sightedness, these glasses filter out those parts of the spectrum which make women attractive. (Just believe it, OK?) Women are not allowed any scientific education — later in the book, we find out why. (It seems there were no problems in the transitional period while there were still educated women. Perhaps Van Vogt is indicating his opinion of the state of women's education at the time of writing?) Marriage is permanent: there is no divorce and the partners must live together.

Apparently there has been little scientific or technical progress in the decades since the Utt takeover. This may just be due to the lack of imagination so common in science fiction, but it can more charitably be explained as the result of alien dominance and the rules imposed by the Utt. Nevertheless, whenever the plot requires our protagonist, the physicist Dr Grayson, to use some nifty gadget, he can obtain, make or invent what he needs.

The story opens with Grayson working in his office. His hears two sharp pings and his vision blurs: his lenses have both split horizontally across the middle. He takes some high quality transparent sticky tape, made by the company he works for, and mends the lenses with that so that he can see clearly again. At this point, the owner of the company, Miss Haskett, comes into his office and he realises that he can see more clearly than before: not only is she attractive, she is obviously lonely and in need of affection. Apparently she instinctively realises that he is no longer the typical post-Utt male, and in the ensuing conversation, she volunteers the information that she lives alone in her own apartment. A little later, her secretary gives him an address.

Feeling too confused to do any more work, he goes home, where he is surprised to find that his wife is not at home. When she comes back, she also recognises that he is not his usual subdued self and she is both terrified and sexually aroused. Their marriage is typical of post-Utt marriage: from shortly after the wedding, the wife rejects almost all sexual activity and treats her husband with contempt. With thirty years of this behind him, Grayson rudely rebuffs his wife's advances. After dinner, he goes out and makes his way to the address Miss Haskett's secretary gave him. Miss Haskett invites him in, and it is not long before they are in her bed.

The next day a man claiming to represent a resistance movement contacts him and gives him a phone number. Grayson doesn't like his threatening attitude, so he constructs two devices, one which traces his call to the number so well that he knows the address, and one which sends a signal along the line which implants false memories in the brain of the person at the other end, which Grayson can exploit when he visits the address.

All that is just the beginning of the book, there is plenty more to come. He fascinates more women, he is imprisoned by the Utt and escapes, he finds out what women do while their husbands are at work, he organises his own resistance movement, and generally overcomes all obstacles and improves the lot of downtrodden male humanity.

Utterly absurd, but fun.

If there are no further suggestions, I'll post it tomorrow.

These are structural nitpicks that I think would help it read smoother. Take them as you will.

second para
and the only way to correct this is by wearing special glasses designed by the Utt

4th para
the company he works for, and mends the lenses with that so that he can see clearly again

At this point, the owner of the company, Miss Haskett, comes into his office and he realises that he can see more clearly than before: not only is she attractive, she is obviously lonely and in need of affection.

instead?

At this point Miss Haskett, the owner of the company, comes into his office and he realizes he sees more clearly: not only is she attractive, she is obviously lonely and in need of affection.

she volunteers the information that she lives alone in her own apartment

5th para
Feeling too confused to do any more work, he goes home, where he is surprised to find that his wife is not at home.

maybe..

Feeling too confused to do any more work, he goes home and is surprised to find that his wife is not there.

6th para
Grayson doesn't like his threatening attitude, so he constructs two devices, one which traces his call to the number so well that he knows the address, and one which sends a signal along the line which implants false memories in the brain of the person at the other end, which Grayson can exploit when he visits the address.

one looong sentence.

Grayson doesn't like the threatening attitude, so he constructs two devices. One which traces his call to the number so he knows the address, and the other sends a signal along the line and implants false memories in the brain of the person at the other end. Which Grayson can exploit when he visits the address.

I still think there is too much synopsis, but different strokes for different folks.

I would suggest doule checking the need for paragraph six (which relates to a resistance movement), since paragraph seven mentions that he forms a resistance movement.

Too much plot for me too. It is reminiscent of a school book report. I'd like to hear what makes it a fun read, but I don't want the blow-by-blow account.

#7: readafew
Thank you.

> only way to correct this is by wearing
Doh!

> mends the lenses with that so that he can see clearly again
I agree that "with that" can go, it's sufficiently obvious what he's mending them with.
The "that" in "so that" could be dropped, but I like it better with it in.

> At this point ...
Why is it better to put Miss Haskett before the company?

> than before
Yes, it could be left out, it's pretty clear that we're comparing the clarity now and earlier, but I think it's easier to read with it in.

> the information that she lives
You really do like to drop "that" whenever possible!

> and is surprised to find that his wife is not there.
Yes, definitely better.

> one looong sentence.
(58 words.) Your suggestion breaks it into one sentence and two fragments, which isn't really any better. Maybe:
Grayson doesn't like his threatening attitude, so he constructs two devices: one traces a call to the number so well that he knows the address, and the other sends a signal along the line to give the person at the other end false memories, which Grayson can exploit when he visits the address.

#8: jseger9000 "I would suggest double checking the need for paragraph six (which relates to a resistance movement), since paragraph seven mentions that he forms a resistance movement."

It lets me illustrate the kind of implausible devices he keeps coming up with. He also regards the existing resistance (if it really is one) as being as much his enemy as the Utt.

#9: VivienneR "Too much plot for me too. It is reminiscent of a school book report."

I'm not familiar with school book reports, except that there's a Simpsons episode in which Bart should make a report about Treasure Island, but the only thing he knows about it is the picture on the cover.

10 > by putting 'Miss Haskett' before the company you can get rid of a comma and one test I use, is you can take out ', the owner of the company,' and the sentence still reads correctly. If you didn't have the semicolon section on the end I wouldn't have cared where 'Miss Haskett' was placed.

Yes I've found that 'that' is used way more than is needed in our writing and my revisions of my reviews those are the first to go. I find if you minimize 'that' things tend to read better. ;)

Your version of the looong sentence is better than my suggestion. I'd go with it.

#13
The comma after "At this point" can be left out anyway. In fact, now you've drawn my attention to it, I think it should be taken out.

I don't think we're going to agree about how many optional "thats" to keep. If I really had to reduce the word count a bit, I would take some more out rather than delete something more important.

not a problem, I usually suggest rewriting a sentence without 'that' especially if is seems wordy. I don't consider it a rule.

The review with changes as discussed and a couple of other little changes is now here.

Thank you all for your help.