Can my straight friend help me cash in my v-card by my birthday? In one month, I turn thirty-five with my virginity still intact. Is there anything more embarrassing than knowing most of my French students have gotten more action than me? Je suis triste. When I accidentally reveal this secret to my close friend and co-worker Seamus, South Rock's baseball coach, he offers to help me round the bases. It has to be a joke, because Seamus is one million percent straight. There's no way he'd want to fool around with a chubby language nerd like me, even though I've harbored a secret crush on him since the day he first walked into the teachers' lounge. But then I realize he's not joking. I'm either entering thirty-five with a bang . . . or a friendship going up in flames. Contains mature themes.