Sascha Rothchild, author of How to Get Divorced by 30 (March 15-28)

Please welcome Sascha Rothchild, author of How to Get Divorced by 30: My Misguided Attempt at a Starter Marriage. Sascha will be chatting on LibraryThing until March 28th.

Hi Library Thing! I'm very excited to be here to discuss my first book, a memoir titled How To Get Divorced By 30. Although the title makes it pretty clear that the book is about my marriage and my divorce, all happening before my 30th birthday, the book is also a look into my relationship with my eccentric parents, body image issues, drugs, sex, bad boyfriends, worse dates, and a near death experience that changed me a little more than I realized.

I also blog about relationships for Psychology Today Magazine, am a Creative Consultant for dating TV shows and am on panels about love and sex and dating. I have become an expert of sorts even though my own marriage failed. The irony still hasn't escaped me.

Any and all questions are welcome (I'm an open book!) but if you need any advice on what not to do when it comes to relationships, I'm more than happy to lead you in the right direction.

Hi Sascha!

What does it mean to be a relationship expert? Is it that you've identified certain patterns of behavior in relationships and you've basically learned to identify and explain them? It sounds like such an interesting line of work!

Also, do you feel that your starter marriage has given you a stronger, more positive outlook on the prospects of a second marriage? Or is there still some trepidation at the thought of tying the knot again?

My favorite part of your book, by the way, was the speech you gave at the end for your mother. The sentiment really struck a chord in me.

Hi Valerie Jean,

I'm so happy you liked the speech at the end of the book. I think Freud was on to something about most of our neurosis being caused by our mothers. Athough I set out to write a book about my marriage, I ended up writing one about my relationship with my mother!

To me being a "relationship expert" means that for years I have over-analyzed and dissected people and their relationships because I am endlessly fascinated by love, like and lust. Since my divorce I have spent a lot of time in therapy, both individual and couples, trying to understand why I made certain decisions, and because I am aware of my own actions I can see patterns in other people. I get a sense immediately if a couple will stay together or break up. Even if people are in the middle of a giant fight at the grocery store I can see if there is love underneath the huffing and puffing. I can also see the giant red flags looming ahead that others cannot see when they are in it. Friends, fans of the book, and total strangers now ask me for advice and I am happy to give it, but I don't comment on other people's relationships unless they ask for my opinion.

The divorce rate for second marriages is even higher than first marriages! 51% vs 67%! Which to me means people who believe in marriage are willing to try it again, but they don't take the time to learn from the previous failed marriage so they just repeat the same mistakes. I have very positive feelings about marriage and think it is a wonderful thing to share your life with someone else. But because I went through a starter marriage and really thought about why it fell apart I now have the tools to hopefully have a healthy marriage in the future.

-Sascha

Hi Sascha,

I just read your book and really enjoyed it! At first I didn't know what to think of the title, because I'm actually in a very happy marriage, but then when I started reading it took me back to a lot of "trial" relationships before I found the right guy:-) Yet, there is a difference between failed relationships and a failed marriage and I'd just like to know more about what you actually felt the day of your wedding and what made you decide to go through with it despite your obvious doubts (loved the Pave diamonds bit).

- anna

Sascha,

I really do enjoy the humor that you bring to this subject. It's refreshing, and daring. I'm sure you've gotten some criticism for this move, but I find it endearing, conversational, and relatable. What do you say to those who question your choice of tone and style for your book? And what do you say to those who think that your humor is a defense mechanism?

Sochy

Sascha

I just wanted to let you know that I read and reviewed your book and loved it. I read it in a day! My marriage has had it's ups and downs and even though we are still together, trying to make it work, I could definitely relate.

Anna,

Thanks and I'm so delighted to hear you are happily married! Perhaps an appropriate pave ring for an anniversary present down the road?

The day of my wedding I woke up feeling rushed and stressed. Hair, makeup, flowers, all the things some of us tend to focus on instead of actually being in love. When I arrived at the house I was handed a banana and a glass of champagne and the whole thing unfolded before my eyes. It was like it was a well oiled machine and I was going along. Right before I was about to step out on to the aisle I said to my father, "I might puke" and he said, "Breathe." And I did.

Then once I was standing there across from my ex-husband I felt truly elated, surrounded by my friends and family. Even though I had doubts in that moment I was surrounded by love and it felt great. So my actual wedding day was really wonderful. It was the months leading up to it, and the months that followed that the truth came out.

Sascha

Hi Sochy,

Surprisingly there hasn't been too much criticism of the book perhaps because the title is so tongue and cheek those who wouldn't appreciate the tone don't even pick it up to read. But to those that do find it objectionable, I think the reality is a ton of people get divorced and a ton of people have to move on with their lives, so why not try to lighten the mood a bit and deal with the problems at hand in a humorous and optimistic light.

As for my humor being a defense mechanism, I think there is a fine line and I tried my best to be really emotionally open and raw to offset some of the jokes. I certainly didn't want to hide behind my humor, but instead use it to highlight the moments when things were quite sad and desperate.

I'm thrilled you totally got my tone and was able to relate and thank you for this question.

Sascha

Thanks Lilmanmom! I wish you the best of luck!

Hi Sascha -

I read your book, rather by accident. A friend of mine actually gave it to me as a joke cause my wife and I just divorced rather early in the game too. I know...bad joke. Anyway, I enjoyed your story because you made it easy for the reader to relate to your characters and you were honest about all the stupid little things that then turned out to be important later on.

G.

Hi G. I'm so happy your friend gave you the book! I think it's a great joke gift in the sense that sometimes hearing about others go through something similar makes you feel not so alone during a divorce. Thanks so much for this comment!

Sincerely,
Sascha

Hi Sascha,

I'm about half way through your book right now and really enjoying it. Great job!

Sasha

Back to add:

I was going to say, I don't think "Sausage" is generally a commentary on someone's weight when their given name is Sasha or Sascha. I was also called Sausage for a while, as well as Salsa, Sash-a, and a variety of other things that come up when someone terribly mispronounces the name. Seems to sort of be a universal weird nickname as I can definitively say I wasn't fat.

Hi Sasha,

I agree Sausage doesn't necessarily have to mean fat, but the general notion is sausages are round plump things shoved into a tight skin. Still with a name like Sasha I can see why kids glom onto Sausage. But when Big Fat Ugly is put before it the message is clear!

So happy you are enjoying the book!

The other thing I get all the time when I meet people is, "Oh my dog is named Sascha..."

Thanks for writing,
Sascha

Hi Sascha,

I randomly encountered this chat. And I thought I might ping you for your possible benefit. I have not read your book, but being over double your age and divorced quite a few years ago (now that worth a book), but privy to my father's best selling books and wisdom of his 88 years, I figure I would ask you, "do you know your Temperament of yourself and your ex-husband?" It might give you some more insight into you and your future relationships. Hence, I recommend the book Please Understand Me II.

Good luck,
David Keirsey

Usually poodles. At least in my experience. Also strippers.