A very interesting book. I felt the ending was a bit rushed and almost felt like the author ran out of time, but then the book found time to breath again afterwards. I would have liked the climax of the novel to have been a bit more fleshed out.

I really liked Docile and I will certainly read their next book too. Their world-building is great and there's always something unique about the main characters that I enjoy. ( )

K.M. Szpara is a master of writing traumatic experiences, and the road to recovery. [b:Docile|40522814|Docile|K.M. Szpara|https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1557777604l/40522814._SY75_.jpg|62893543] was one of my favorite reads from last year. So when I received the email from NetGalley announcing that I was approved for a copy of First, Become Ashes I squealed out loud. I thought I was prepared to be broken and rebuilt. But no. I wasn't prepared at all.

Every point of view in this book is masterfully constructed. The profound level of anguish within each chapter draws you in and doesn't let go. I think I read this book in less than 24 hours. I just couldn't put it down. I had to know if the characters made it out of their mental struggles, and were able to see the other side. If Lark can find the rainbow with everything that he experienced, that has to mean their is hope for the rest of us right?

Having read many accounts from outsiders looking in on cults, it was refreshing in a terrifying way to see the innerworkings of a mind within the followers (or anointed). We see the news of cults being "liberated" and often think, "so great those people were freed from a crazy person". But it's not that simple. Real people believed with everything they had in that person. There are real minds facing cognitive dissonance that can't be cured by someone saying "it wasn't real". You can't overcome that level of cognitive dissonance without first burning everything you are as a person, and rebuilding yourself from the ashes.

The way the author tackled this 'after it falls' period, dripped with the feeling that the author did the leg work to understand what goes into being devoted to a cult. Having read Docile, I couldn't imagine any other author writing these experiences.

I was also thankful that the story does not focus on what was done to them during their time behind the gates. Like Docile, the book sets the stage by touching on each aspect of the trauma but lets your mind fill in the rest. By doing this, it gave the book a faster pace, I could envision all the horrors without having to read each transgression on the page. The day to day life while in the cult would have been a book in itself, and that wasn't this story.

Larks journey is empowering in ways I would have never expected. From the connections he makes with outsiders, to the way he comes to terms with his reality being shattered, it's a must read ride. But it's not just him. Every point of view character in this book has a journey that is inspiring, surprising and well written. They were real people that we all know in life.

Calvin was every nerd, wishing the lord of the rings was a place we could visit. I was so thankful for the add in of this con / nerd duo. The two of them brought a comic relief that broke up the horrors of the cult in the right way. It bridged the magic of the cult with the magic of the outside world in a way that amplified the story.

The use of pronouns, gender and sexuality is well crafted. Loved how real it felt, flowing off the characters tongue with ease, not awkwardness or trepidation in the other characters response. It was just apart of society. Normal.

Finally, the use of magic. I don't want to give away spoilers, and it is hard to discuss this aspect of the book without doing so because it was woven into the plot so masterfully you have to read it to understand how much mind f*ckery is going on with it. I mean it's a cult, the magic was obviously a lie. Right? Was it a lie? I NEED TO KNOW.

If you loved Docile, you'll love this book.

Note: LGBT Rep. HP Mention.

Trigger Warnings: Rape, abuse, ptsd, explicit sex, sex with minors. ( )

As others have said, I'm not sure this book quite knows what it wants to be. It's billed as an exploration of how we create identity and beliefs in a world that challenges both...but it reads like a dark BDSM romance it several places. It makes points about how trauma looks different on different people...but then everyone is OK and basically fine in the final chapter. It wants to have real nuance and heft...but it wraps its romantic storyline up by basically making three characters suddenly poly. There are definitely some interesting ideas to explore with the premise set up by the author but unfortunately those ideas are buried under some very very odd choices that completely distract from them. ( )

This book is reviewed in a blog post at https://booksbeyondbinaries.blog/2020/08/31/trans-preview-and-fold-kids/

Like others have said in their reviews, who exactly is this book written for? It’s definitely all over the place and trigger warning at the beginning is not a joke. ( )