You’re Not Listening by Kate Murphy

BIBLIOGRAPHIC DETAILS
-PRINT: © January 7, 2020; 978-1250297198; Celadon Books; 288 pages.; unabridged
-DIGITAL: © January 7, 2020; 1787300951; Celadon Books; 284 pp.; unabridged
- *Audio: © January 7, 2020; Macmillan Audio; 06:31:00; unabridged
-FILM: No

SERIES: No.

CHARACTERS:
N/A

SUMMARY/ EVALUATION:
-SELECTED: I discovered this in my Audible Account-Don had ordered it. He doesn’t generally enjoy long stretches of listening to non-fiction, so I listened to it on my own.
-ABOUT: The art of listening. It discusses the benefits of making the effort to listen, and the art of speaking if we want a better chance of holding our audience’s attention.
-OVERALL IMPRESSION: I wouldn’t have thought this subject could fill 284 pages, but it held my interest throughout, and I felt like I learned a few things.

AUTHOR: Kate Murphy. From Amazon: Kate Murphy is a Houston, Texas-based journalist whose work has appeared in The New York Times, The Economist, Agence France-Presse, and Texas Monthly. Her eclectic and widely shared pieces have explored an extraordinary range of topics including health, technology, science, design, art, aviation, business, finance, fashion, dining, travel, and real estate. She is known for her fresh and accessible way of explaining complex subjects, particularly the science behind human interactions, helping readers understand why people behave the way they do. She also has a commercial pilot’s license, which she puts to good use when called upon to report from remote locations.”

NARRATOR: Kate Murphy. See above for biographical details.
*You’d think that narrating one’s own work would automatically lead to great narration, as certainly they heard the words in their mind as they wrote the. I’ve come to believe though, that just like some folks are tone deaf when it comes to music, some (perhaps those same folks) likewise, do not use the inflections I expect to hear. Kate, however, does a fine narration. I suppose, given the topic, and that she does claim to be a good listener, this was to be expected.

GENRE: Non-fiction; Self-help; Psychology; Personal development; Relationships

LOCATIONS: Multiple. Author reveals she is a Texan (Houston, I believe)

TIME FRAME: Current - 2020

SUBJECTS: Listening; Speaking; Self-discipline; Courtesy; Respect; Loneliness; Social Media; Abundance of noisy (up to 90 decibels) environments; Hearing loss; Conversations; Proper, “curious” questions, and comments; Critical inner voices

DEDICATION: “For anyone who has misunderstood or felt misunderstood.”

SAMPLE QUOTATION: Excerpt From the Introduction
“When was the last time you listened to someone? Really listened, without thinking about what you wanted to say next, glancing down at your phone, or jumping in to offer your opinion? And when was the last time someone really listened to you? Was so attentive to what you were saying and whose response was so spot-on that you felt truly understood?
In modern life, we are encouraged to listen to our hearts, listen to our inner voices, and listen to our guts, but rarely are we encouraged to listen carefully and with intent to other people. Instead, we are engaged in a dialogue of the deaf, often talking over one another at cocktail parties, work meetings, and even family dinners; groomed as we are to lead the conversation rather than follow it. Online and in person, it’s all about defining yourself, shaping the narrative, and staying on message. Value is placed on what you project, not what you absorb.
And yet, listening is arguably more valuable than speaking. Wars have been fought, fortunes lost, and friendships wrecked for lack of listening. Calvin Coolidge famously said, “No man ever listened himself out of a job.” It is only by listening that we engage, understand, connect, empathize, and develop as human beings. It is fundamental to any successful relationship—personal, professional, and political. Indeed, the ancient Greek philosopher Epictetus said, “Nature hath given men one tongue but two ears, that we may hear from others twice as much as we speak.”
So it’s striking that high schools and colleges have debate teams and courses in rhetoric and persuasion but seldom, if ever, classes or activities that teach careful listening. You can get a doctorate in speech communication and join clubs like Toastmasters to perfect your public speaking, but there’s no comparable degree or training that emphasizes and encourages the practice of listening. The very image of success and power today is someone miked up and prowling around a stage or orating from behind a podium. Giving a TED Talk or commencement speech is living the dream.
Social media has given everyone a virtual megaphone to broadcast every thought, along with the means to filter out any contrary view. People find phone calls intrusive and ignore voicemail, preferring text or wordless emoji. If people are listening to anything, it’s likely through headphones or earbuds, where they are safe inside their own curated sound bubbles; the soundtracks to the movies that are their walled-off lives.
The result is a creeping sense of isolation and emptiness, which leads people to swipe, tap, and click all the more. Digital distraction keeps the mind occupied but does little to nurture it, much less cultivate depth of feeling, which requires the resonance of another’s voice within our very bones and psyches. To really listen is to be moved physically, chemically, emotionally, and intellectually by another person’s narrative.
This is a book in praise of listening and a lament that as a culture we seem to be losing our listening mojo. As a journalist, I’ve conducted countless interviews with everyone from Nobel laureates to homeless toddlers. I view myself as a professional listener, and yet, I, too, can fall short, which is why this book is also a guide to improving listening skills.
To write this book, I have spent the better part of two years delving into the academic research related to listening—the biomechanical and neurobiological processes as well as the psychological and emotional effects. There is a blinking external hard drive on my desk loaded with hundreds of hours of interviews with people from Boise to Beijing, who either study some aspect of listening or whose job, like mine, is listening intensive; including spies, priests, psychotherapists, bartenders, hostage negotiators, hairdressers, air traffic controllers, radio producers, and focus group moderators.
I also went back to some of the most accomplished and astute individuals I’ve profiled or interviewed over the years—entertainers, CEOs, politicians, scientists, economists, fashion designers, professional athletes, entrepreneurs, chefs, artists, authors, and religious leaders—to ask what listening means to them, when they are most inclined to listen, how it feels when someone listens to them, and how it feels when someone doesn’t. And then there were all the people who happened to sit next to me on airplanes, buses, or trains or who perhaps encountered me at a restaurant, dinner party, baseball game, grocery store, or while I was out walking my dog. Some of my most valuable insights about listening came from listening to them.
Reading this book, you’ll discover—as I did—that listening goes beyond just hearing what people say. It’s also paying attention to how they say it and what they do while they are saying it, in what context, and how what they say resonates within you. It’s not about simply holding your peace while someone else holds forth. Quite the opposite. A lot of listening has to do with how you respond—the degree to which you elicit clear expression of another person’s thoughts and, in the process, crystallize your own. Done well and with deliberation, listening can transform your understanding of the people and the world around you, which inevitably enriches and elevates your experience and existence. It is how you develop wisdom and form meaningful relationships.”

RATING: 5 stars.

STARTED-FINISHED 10/05/2023-10/08/2023

SERENDIPITOUS CONNECTIONS I love how my readings, watchings, and daily activities often seem somewhat inter-connected, usually in a mundane, but nevertheless, noticeable way, in that they repeat words, names, or circumstances within a very short time-span. So I have decided to start listing those that occur with the books I am reading, that I can recall:
1. The only one I noticed, and no one will find deign this to be and earth-shattering coincidence, is that yesterday, while I was searching for something else in my gmail account, I uncovered a message I'd thought I'd never gotten from a year and a half ago, and the name of the sender was Kate (like the author's name). ( )

“Technology does not so much interfere with listening as make it seem unnecessary. Our devices indulge our fear of intimacy by fooling us into thinking that we are socially connected even when we are achingly alone. We avoid the messiness and imperfections of others, retreating into the relative safety of our devices, swiping and deleting with abandon. The result is a loss of richness and nuance in our social interactions, and we suffer from a creeping sense of dissatisfaction.” ( )

Focuses specifically on listening, but more of how listening works (neurology wise), why listen + the attitude/approach to listening. More mindset/attitude than how-to guide. You'll learn:

• How to overcome common barriers to listening, such as: assumptions, biases, distractions, conflicting views, and the tendency to focus on yourself instead of the other person.
• How to improve your listening skills and attitude to become a better listener, such as: being open and curious, directing your mental focus, listening for silences and underlying messages, creating a feedback loop, and knowing when to stop listening.

Book summary at: https://readingraphics.com/book-summary-youre-not-listening/ ( )

Listening is an often-overlooked skill in today’s society heavily geared around marketing and self-expression. It involves asking probing questions and interpreting each word, expression, and pause that a speaker makes. It’s critical for jobs in journalism, intelligence, leadership, and social work. In this book, journalist Kate Murphy explores how listening works and how you can make better use of its science.

For source material, Murphy interviewed hundreds of people from all walks of life along with interviewing experts from several academic disciplines, like neuroscience, business, and the social sciences. Her compiled product represents a comprehensive work that illuminates almost every life sector of this fundamental human trait. It applies equally to many disparate activities, such as organizational leadership, spying, and interrogation.

The contrast with the world of social media is stark. The communications revolution of the Internet has facilitated a huge growth in an individual’s ability to broadcast oneself widely. However, as research notes, society’s collective ability to listen and to learn has probably diminished. We lack appropriate self-discipline to expand our attention spans. This book offers a specific path to improve. The self-help does not consist of trite adages but instead explores the deep science of an all-too-human art form.

This book’s genre and audience are difficult to place. While applying to many sectors, it broadly reaches to a general audience. There’s hardly a part of modern life – say, politics, religion, or neighborly relations – that could not benefit from better human relationships. Better relationships start with listening to each other. Effective leadership anywhere is impossible without good ears and appropriate, targeted responses. (It helps to listen to this book about listening in an audiobook format, too!) Through personal insights and scientific research, Murphy lights a path to overcome social obstacles to solving big problems. ( )

You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters by Kate Murphy is an excellent self help book all about the constructs of becoming a better, active listener.

This book felt like a professionally written essay - the kind I would be required to read for my degree. It's thoughtful, has lots of great references and gives tips on how to be a better listener. It's a book all about psychology and people, so readers need to understand that going in. There's a lot of in depth thought and conversation going on in this book, so it's not necessarily the easiest book to read. It can be rather... boring... Oh dear, yeah, I said that scary word.

It's straight to the point with descriptions, explanations and examples. It's not witty or funny, it's a really well written take on good and bad listeners. It might not be insanely helpful to you though - it doesn't give you a step by step guide on how to listen to your partner/friend/parent/boss better. It explains why we don't listen well and why it's important to listen. If you want to learn exactly how to listen better it might be better to go to a therapist or social worker.

This book is super interesting though! I enjoyed reading it and understanding why people don't listen. Obviously there's a lot going on in people's lives, but we don't always remember that! Distractions, relationships, the environment - everything effects us.

Overall, this book is helpful and can give you a lot of learning opportunities.

Three out of five stars.

I received a free copy of this book from Goodreads First Reads. ( )