(Scene: a makeshift workshop in an Alpine village, circa 1538.)

ACOLYTE: O wise Paracelsus, greatest of alchemists, I have journeyed many German miles to converse with thee. Tell me, master, what mysteries art thou working on?

PARACELSUS: Behold! For I have discovered the high arcanum of how to create life independently of any woman!

ACOLYTE: That is hidden knowledge indeed! Do thou instruct me on how this wonder is achieved!

PARACELSUS: Well, it's like this. You take a large, ripe horse. Wait for it to take a shit. You want to get it fresh, while it's still as hot as possible. Next, get your dick out and masturbate until you come all over the horseshit. Keep the blended jizz and faeces in a glass container for about forty days until it's nice and fermented, then slash your arm and add plenty of human blood. At this point a homunculus will emerge about three inches high, which will dance over to you, take your hand, and you can both take a bow together!

ACOLYTE: Jesus Christ.. What kind of an act do you call that?

PARACELSUS: The Aristocrats!

(jazz hands) ( )