CW: homophobia, transphobia, described suicide (later determined to be murder), self-harm, conversion therapy which involves extreme violence, sexual content.

Well that was quite intense and at times upsetting.

It saddens me that some people's love for their children isn't unconditional. However they may try to explain away their attempts to 'fix' their kids as 'acts of love', they will always only ever send one message to their children - you aren't what I wanted or expected and there is something wrong with you. It hurts. Like physically hurts me to think of my children ever thinking they aren't good enough. I love them. That's all.

This book is a raw exploration of how this lack of acceptance can have devastating outcomes. I think the blurb pretty much covers what you need to know about this book. I don't think it's the most well written novel I have ever read and I didn't feel totally drawn to the characters, but the story itself is quite gripping and very important. I had some issues with the narration of the audiobook so I personally suggest reading it instead.

Aroha nui ki a koutou katoa ( )

I got to read the ARC ebook, and this is my honest review.

I completely fell in love with how Conner phrases things, very kid-like and off-the-wall word choices, shifting emotions and weird humor. For me, that was the best part of the book, and the reason it works well. I also very much enjoyed his character arc, and Marcos's.

It is a thriller, as the author points out, so some bad things go down. The timeline's a little frantic. The Author's Note contains content warnings, and it is reasonable. If you enjoy thrillers, queer victory despite everything, and a complicated ending, this is your book right here. ( )

Ein unfassbar gutes und spannendes Buch.
Es liest sich nicht nur super angenehm und flüssig, man kann auch nicht aufhören zu lesen. Die Geschichte ist erschreckend und spannend zugleich, und so furchtbar dieses Camp auch sein mag - es gibt tatsächlich immer noch Stellen, an denen man irgendwie lachen muss, die eine Art Humor in sich haben. Ich versteh es selbst nicht, aber so hoffnungslos manche Situation auch ist, so schrecklich ich dieses sogenannte Camp finde und mit den Charakteren mit leide, die Hoffnung ist dennoch da. Trotz dieser furchtbaren "Therapie". Wie kann man sein eigenes Kind nur in so ein Lager stecken? Ich werde es nie begreifen. Niemals.

Es ist mehr als faszinierend, dass dieses Buch in so einer kurzen Zeitspanne spielt. Ich hätte auch überhaupt nicht damit gerechnet, aber es passt sehr gut und zieht es nicht unnötig in die Länge. So kommt man gar nicht erst in den Trott, in dem alles immer gleich ist. Langeweile hat hier beim Lesen absolut keine Chance. Gleichzeitig geht einem absolut jedes Zeitgefühl verloren, so wie es ganz sicher auch den Charakteren geht. Es fühlte sich einfach so viel länger an, als es schlussendlich war, man kann kaum glauben, das es nicht viel mehr Zeit war. Es passiert so unendlich viel, es müsste eine Ewigkeit sein. Und auch das ist absolut toll. Ich liebe es, jedes Gefühl für die Zeit in diesem Buch verloren zu haben. Es konnte mich so noch mehr in die Geschichte ziehen, ich konnte mich noch mehr darauf einlassen, weil es einfach unglaublich gut zu diesem Buch passt.

Abschließend kann ich hier eine ganz klare Empfehlung aussprechen. Lest dieses Buch, lasst euch darauf ein. Ärgert euch, werdet wütend, verliert euer Zeitgefühl, habt Hoffnung in der Hoffnungslosigkeit, spürt die Angst der Charaktere und erlebt diese spannende Geschichte. Achtet nur darauf, dass ihr am besten direkt das ganze Buch lesen könnt, denn es ist schwer dem Sog dieses Buches zu entkommen. All das trotz des Albtraumhaften Themas. Einfach unglaublich. ( )

CW: suicide and talk about an attempt, parental and other abuse, punishments, panic attacks. It takes place in a conversion therapy camp, so be prepared for a lot of homophobia.

I stumbled upon this book while browsing on twitter and I thought it was such an intriguing premise. I never expected my Wish for it would be granted on Netgalley but as soon as it was, I couldn’t think of reading anything else but this. And wow was I not wrong. I really don’t have words to describe what I’m feeling right now after finishing it.

The first thing I can say is that this book is unputdownable. Once I started reading, I just couldn’t even imagine putting it down till I reached the end and knew what had happened to all the characters. It’s that engaging and interesting. It also captures the teenage voice and their emotions very well. The book is very tightly plotted, with each little thing being revealed very slowly but still keeping the mystery alive, and I never guessed the complete truth. As most of the book takes place in a religious conversion camp, I was expecting it to be very horrifying - and the author manages to capture the horror of what’s happening and the terror the young kids feel, while also showing the beautiful solidarity that forms between the kids themselves. There are friendships, romantic relationships and platonic bonds that form and they are what give us joy in an otherwise bleak situation. This is truly a story about finding light in darkness, and strength in adversity.

And what a great ensemble of characters this book has. The story might be told only through Connor’s POV, but we meet so many amazing young queer kids who are put in unimaginable situations and the strength and resilience they show is highly admirable. Most of this story takes place in just about two days, but the author really lets us get to know each of them very intimately - their stories, their inherent natures and what they are ready to do to get out of the hellhole they are in. Connor, Marcos, Molly, Darcy, Lacrishia, Jack, Vance and all the other children - I loved every single one of them and was rooting for them throughout because they deserve all the love and protection.

The author also doesn’t shy away from showing the brutality of the people running the camp, but at the same time is able to create moments where we even sympathize with them. This is masterful writing and just emphasizes the point that the cycle of abuse is real and people who do monstrous things may have suffered in the past themselves, but that doesn’t make them any less predatory. And while it’s wonderful to see the queer kids fight back and stand up for themselves, the author also gives a reality check that out in the world, there will still be people who will trust the predators and zealots, and punishing a few of them doesn’t make the bigotry go away. The story is also very open about the long term harm that these kids suffer and how much positive support and psychological help they need to be able to get through it all. There is also the harsh reality that it’s not always easy or possible be out of the closet or to cut off homophobic family members and how living with them can be an ordeal in itself.

To conclude, this book is an intense mystery that gets hold of you on the first page and doesn’t let you go till the end. And despite the horrific setting of the story and the brutality that ensues, it’s characters are full of heart, humor and hope and we just keep wishing that they’ll make it out alright. There are a lot of uncomfortable truths are that are present in this story and that’s precisely why I think we should all read it. ( )

I received a copy of this book free from the publisher in exchange for an honest review.

See www.coffeeandtrainspotting.wordpress.com for full review. ( )