Raise your hand if you grew up experiencing intensity, triangles, over- (or under) functioning, distancing, and cut offs in your family of origin. Right, me too.

Thankfully, Harriet Lerner knows a lot about these very human patterns AND compassionately defines each as she explains how to find the way forward when we are stuck or sucked into them.

I copied many passages into my journal to return to later. I now have the vocabulary and example scripts I didn't know existed before. With more and more self-awareness and the words Lerner suggests I feel more able begin broaching difficult terrain.

"The challenge of conversation is not just in being our self but in choosing our self, since what we call the self is constantly reinvented through interactions with others. The self is always under construction. ... Our conversations invent us. Through our speech and our silence, we become smaller or larger selves. Through our speech and our silence, we diminish or enhance the other person, and we narrow or expand the possibilities between us. How we use our voice determines the quality of our relationships, who we are in the world, and what the world can be and might become." (239) ( )

The subtitle says it all. A noted psychologist discusses real examples of how to talk to people in various situations. Much of this resonated both for myself, my family, and my marriage. Vital read, I will definitely thumb through in the future.

To that end, some passages that particularly resonated:

It wasn’t just anger and conflict my father avoided. Remarkably, he claimed to never have experienced the whole range of unpleasant emotions, including anxiety, fear, sadness, depression, or simple old worry. Not surprisingly, he was at a total loss to recognize or respond to the emotional life of others. My father’s assertions of voice, his expressions of protest or resistance, his acknowledgement that all was not right -these were acted out indirectly rather than spoken.

It’s not just that we look around at the secrets and silences of our first family and learn what not to do. It’s also that the human spirit is remarkable, unpredictable, and lawless. Many children respond to the painful silences or intensities of their past by developing great strength of character or a special gift to speak courageously as well.

I am more myself [in midlife] than ever before. With age comes more discernment, more knowledge of the self, and less willingness to compromise of betray the self to keep relationships calm – or to keep them at all. The recognition at midlife that the future doesn’t stretch out forever challenges us to figure out what really matters and to speak wisely.
When speaking to any hot issue with a family member, we should stay focused on what we want to say about ourselves, rather than on eliciting a particular response from the person. If we’re needing (rather than hoping for) a particular response from a person, that’s a good indication we’re not yet ready to broach a difficult conversation.

Close friends tend to voice differences and negotiate solutions more easily than partners or mates. After all, friends can retreat to separate spheres and adopt a “live and let live” attitude. Also, friendship rarely becomes a nest of extreme pathology; if we consistently feel diminished, silenced or unheard, we don’t just dream of escape – we get out.
I really do believe this – that we diminish the other person when we tolerate behavior that diminishes the self, when we don’t expect enough from the other person or put him to the test of what’s possible.

It’s very hard to watch someone we love disappear into a marriage. Only very highly evolved persons can watch their best friends or family members behave like total neurotics or lose themselves in a relationship and not feel compelled to yell at them or whip them into shape. But having a voice doesn’t mean that we’re free to offer unsolicited advice to folks because we feel driven to confront them with our ultimate wisdom. Since I have this particular problem, I have to keep reminding myself that its not my job to tell Grace how to live her life and conduct her marriage. .. Intimacy and honor are sacrificed in a close relationship when we withhold our genuine response. Grace would also sense my feelings whether or not I said anything or if I spoke to differences in a tone that implied superiority… The less I need a particular response from Grace, the more respect I have for her struggles, the more creative I can be about sharing my observations and concerns. I speak openly with Grace not because my words change or even affect her. I speak up because I love her and I want to be real with her. I speak up because its important for me to do so.

I’ve seen any number of devastated men in therapy who tell me their wives left them out of the blue. The wives, however, claim to have voiced the anger and dissatisfaction for a long time. Both are right; he hasn’t listened well enough; she hasn’t shared her thoughts about divorce clearly enough or early enough in the process. Often the wife does not make a serious issue of divorce until she’s finally made up her mind to leave. Any changes the husband then agrees to make, are too little, too late. In the end, neither spouse has had an opportunity to test the potential for change in their marriage.

[Discussing a husband, ex wife, wife, stepdaughter situation] Bill’s story illustrates how incredibly hard it is for men, in their roles as husband and father, to define a solid and responsible position in the invisible web of family triangles. Even in less complex family situations, men may take the path of least resistance, choosing silence over speech because “its not worth the fight”. But men who disappear into silence with women in their lives pay an extremely high price. And so do the women in their lives…. When men lay low and refuse to step into the ring, it’s the women in their lives who often end up slugging it out.

Denise, for her part, had a deep need to hear an apology whenever she felt wronged. She had experienced many painful events growing up, and her parents had never acknowledged her experience, affirmed her reality, or accepted responsibility for their behavior. As an adult, Denise was guided by a strong sense of justice and a great need to have her reality validated. When she felt mistreated she wanted to be told “Yes this did happen. I was wrong. I’m sorry I hurt you.”

Corrine needed to keep in mind that the sad ending of this important friendship did not negate the fact that she and Joan had cared deeply for each other, and that they both gained something important during their 6 years of camaraderie. But the healing conversation which Corrine hopes for probably won’t ever take place. Although it takes two people to form an intimate relationship, it takes only one to end it.

None of us can escape rejection and disappointment unless we sit mute in a corner and take no risks. If we live courageously, we will experience – and survive- rejections and losses that are not fair and not talked through. Sometimes in our lives the best course of action is to let go and move on. ( )

The dance of connection-- By: Harriet Lerner

http://www.amazon.ca/Dance-Connection-Harriet-Lerner/dp/006095616X/ref=sr_1_1?ie...

This is the second book I have tried to read from Harriet. The last one I was able to read, but found myself jumping through huge chunks that were useless to me. In this book though I found that I couldn't even get into her writing. Also, I found myself jumping huge chunks again. VERY DISAPPOINTING!!

For an author whose books all say how she is, "One of the nation's most loved and respected relationship experts" her writing style isn't engaging at all.

It's written very clearly but not at a therapeutic level, more so any lay person can understand.

I personally wouldn't recommend anyone to this book so I give it 1/5. It could help some people who don't know much already but it's not for an advanced reader of psychology.

P ( )