My friend Oprah Winfrey, on her TV show, has called me "the funniest man on the planet." That was kind of embarrassing--but if Oprah wants to think I'm funny, who am I to argue? My mother says I'm brilliant. Well, I am her son, so she might not be objective--but since she knows me better than anyone, it must be true. Don't ask me. All I can say for sure is that I'm a 6'5" black comedian with red hair and a high butt who has walked a mile in every man's shoes. What I mean is, I've lived large and fallen hard--lost every job I've ever had, messed up everybody I've ever dated, been kicked out of every institution I've ever been in, including marriage--and I've survived. That's how I know everything. Why, you could steal five or six books and not find as much help as I will give you. Don't act like you don't need my help. I know your life is jacked up--hanging around the bookstore, all by yourself. It's sad. You're probably one of those lookey-loos too, browsing the book for free, should I buy it, should I not? Hasn't indecision ruled your life long enough? Take a stand and buy it. But do me a favor: Until I've had the chance to get your life in order, please pay cash. I'd hate to have to call the repo man on you.