Anybody live here?

*gives secret knock on door*
*no answer*
*takes secret key and unlocks door*
CCC-R-R-R-E-E=E-E-A-A-K-K-K
*switches on torch / flashlight, revealing a thick layer of dust on all the furniture and floor surfaces*
HHEEEELLLLOOOOOOOOO! ANYBODY HOME?
*A cloud of millions of sand-fleas erupt from the carpet and make for hfglen's shins in a feeding frenzy*
*rapid exit, slamming door*
*Back in the sunshine, spends hours dosing self with insect repellent*

Secret Memo #3875

From: Hugotontheonbiquiffinarian Treasurer
To: Hugotontheonbiquiffinarian Board

Subject: Interim Treasurer's Report

Profit from sales of insect repellent have increased 400% since the installation of the sand-flea trap.

buying stock in Deet.

#1 - Great to see you here!

#2 - *gleefully rubs hands together* EXXXXXcellent!!!

#3 - *looks around innocently and whistles*

Secret Memo #193

From: Hugotontheonbiquiffinarian Treasurer
To: Hugotontheonbiquiffinarian Board

Subject: Sand flea trap

Erm, hrmm, ahh just possibly... that might have been... er, well Oops?

*dons full hazmat suit*
*unlocks door with secret key*
*covers lower legs with dust and sandflea eggs, from the sandflea trap*
*tracks flea eggs all over boardroom carpet and anywhere else the committee go*

And now we wait, to quote the Heinecken ad ...

Beer? We're waiting for beer?

*pulls up chair and gets comfortable*

Jennie, move away from there! Those fleas are HUNGRY! And they're breeding like, well, fleas. They're there to convince the treasurer and board that the rooms need a clean!

Oops! I got excited. TGIF and all that, you know.

*poke poke*
*poke poke*

ew.

**following hfglen's example and dons hazmat suit**

**carefully sneaks in with jar of genuine South Georgia gnats**

**releases gnats into boardroom**

Got to work now, my pretties. **bwaaahahahahahaha**

What do you get when you cross a sand flea with a South Georgia gnat?

An itchy welt with a drawl?

hahahaha - That's perfect MerryMary! Our new secret weapon! Gnat Flea!

*fleas*

I forget, who are these gnat fleas meant to be attacking again?

YIKES!!

*exits stage left*

*exits stage left*

Hmm, was that where I left the snake pit??

#16 - *plummets*

So that's where the SPITTING COBRAS have gotten to!

Oh Taliiiiiiska, where aaaaaaare you?

*tosses Groo a bag of weasels*

Will they do?

Hmmmm, why did that bag just go POP!?

Ack! Weasels!!!

*Moves to protect the SPITTING COBRAS*

You take care of that and I'll use this twopenny rice and treacle I found to make us a nice pudding. Carry on.

What about the "monkey" on the table?

Hand "him" a pint and keep moving in a counter-clockwise pattern.

*Climbs out of pit with SPITTING COBRAS in their favorite burlap sack, weasels in another, followed by the monkey*

Okay, I give in!

*Hires Rosie from the Green Dragon to help with the cleaning, borrows a squadron of Roombas*

*Enters through the secret way through the wine cellar... to avoid the sand flea trap... whistling happily, new book under arm, making way to favorite chair by the hearth... not suspecting anything out of the ordinary...*

*finds Rosie the dragon, wearing a maids hat and apron, sweeping diligently, mrgrooism arguing with a monkey about what best to do with a pair of squirming burlap sacks, and the pit where she was keeping the SPITTING COBRAS!!! strangely empty...*

Oooooooooh Kaaaaaaayyy......
I turn my back on this place for... *looks at watch*... never mind... I turn my back and all heck breaks loose! ..... is that a weasel hiding under the dresser?

Or are you just pleased to see me?

*snort*

My computer's first Diet Pepsi bath of the day!

Yes! I mean... sorry about that.

*Phblllpferernnmd!*

*cleans hot chocolate off of keyboard...*

Has anyone seen the SPITTING COBRAS!!!??? Im getting worried... and whats with MrGroo and the monkey?

It must have been a really naughty monkey to deserve such a spanking.

MrGroo, are you OK? Sorry about the Diet Pepsi and hot chocolate all over the place. The roombas'll get it.

*Wrestles the bag of SPITTING COBRAS back from the monkey*

Thanks for keeping the weasels away from them MrGroo! Ill just nip out to the GD and put them back in the broom cupboard where they belong...

One of my little brother's imaginary friends was a weasel.

*looks around suspiciously*

He hasn't been here, has he? It would explain a lot . . .

Oi! dont you pay extra if you want your imaginary friends in the society too?

*wonders if 'split personalities' and/or 'voices in the head' should be charged extra*

*has quiet argument with self about the extra charge*

*SSHH I'll handle this*

My opinion is...

*Quiet, I said that I ...
Don't walk away from...
Hey!*

I'll be right back.

As I recall, the last time this came up, it was decided that the 2nd and 3rd personality get a fifty percent discount. Numbers four and above are free.

Imaginary friends were not discussed. I think they should be allowed at no charge as long as they leave the buffet alone.

We have a buffet!!

*scarpers over to buffet table and loads a large serving tray with edibles*

*slaps at anonymous hands loading up trays*

Wash first!

*puts pump bottle of hand sanitizer at start of buffet table*

Hey, wasn't someone suppose to install the sneeze guard?

Imaginary beings pay their dues just like everyone else, albeit the amount due is an irrational number.

If you haven't got change for pi clams, would a clam pie do?

Si, I mean oui!