Bad Joke of the Day 11

Esto es una continuación del tema Bad Joke of the Day 10.

Este tema fue continuado por Bad Joke of the Day 12.

CharlasThe Green Dragon

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Bad Joke of the Day 11

1margd
Oct 13, 2020, 5:09 am


“Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Owls say
Owls say who?
Yes. Yes, they do.”

“Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Cabbage
Cabbage who?
You expect a cabbage to have a last name?”

“Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Ida
Ida who?
Surely, it’s pronounced Idaho?”

“Knock, knock
Who’s there?
A little old lady
A little old lady who?
Wow, I didn’t know you could yodel!”

“Knock, knock
Who’s there?
To
To who?
No, it’s to whom.”

“Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Spell
Spell who?
W-H-O.”

“Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Smellmop
Smellmop who?
Gross! No thanks!”

“Knock, knock
Who’s there?
I am
I am who?
Are you having an identity crisis?”

“Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Cash
Cash who?
No thanks, but I’d love some peanuts.”

“Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Amish
Amish who?
Really, you’re a shoe? Uh, okay.”

“Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Ya
Ya who?
No thanks, I use Google.”

“Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Billy Bob Joe Penny
Billy Bob Joe Penny who?
Really? How many Billy Bob Joe Pennies do you know?”

“Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Europe
Europe who?
No, you’re a poo!”

“Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Hatch
Hatch who?
God bless you!”

“Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Hike
Hike who?
I didn’t know you liked Japanese poetry!”

“Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Tank
Tank who?
You’re welcome.”

“Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Says
Says who?
Says me, that’s who!”

“Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Cow says
Cow says who?
No, cow says, 'Mooooooo!'”

“Knock, knock.
Who's there?
FBI.
FB...
We're asking the questions here!”
Forceful, interrupting delivery is key here

“Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Nana.
Nana who?
Nana your business, that’s who.”

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne, who?
Dwayne the bathtub! I’m dwowning!

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
A gang of vigilantes armed with machine guns, leather straps and brass knuckles to thump the breath out of anybody who persists in playing this blame fool knock-knock game.

https://www.artofmanliness.com/articles/best-knock-knock-jokes/

2Berly
Oct 15, 2020, 4:06 am



Those were pretty darn good!

3pgmcc
Oct 15, 2020, 4:28 am

"Knock-knock!"
"Come on in. The door's open."

4humouress
Editado: Oct 15, 2020, 4:28 am

5AHS-Wolfy
Oct 17, 2020, 12:12 pm

Lance is not a very popular name these days
But in medieval times people were named Lance a lot.

6MrsLee
Oct 17, 2020, 7:26 pm

>5 AHS-Wolfy: *groan*
I'm Gwena veer away from that one.

7YouKneeK
Oct 17, 2020, 9:34 pm

Geez! Ar thur any better jokes?

(I have to admit, both >5 AHS-Wolfy: and >6 MrsLee: made me laugh!)

8WholeHouseLibrary
Editado: Oct 18, 2020, 2:41 am

Gol, ah had one, but it dun got away from me.

9pgmcc
Oct 21, 2020, 9:47 am

How do you determine the sex of an ant?

Easy. Drop it in a cup of water. If it sinks, girl-ant. If it floats, boy-ant.

10AHS-Wolfy
Editado: Oct 22, 2020, 8:06 pm

I went to an Indian restaurant last night. After I had ordered, a little old lady came to me and said, "Aren't you polite. You have such lovely manners." Apparently, it was my complimentary nan!

ETA:
As I'm not sure if the term nan travels to other parts of the world it is a British colloquial term for grandmother.

11LukeRich
Oct 22, 2020, 7:25 am

Este usuario ha sido eliminado por spam.

12Sakerfalcon
Oct 22, 2020, 10:46 am

>10 AHS-Wolfy: Love this one!

13-pilgrim-
Oct 22, 2020, 4:29 pm

>12 Sakerfalcon:, >10 AHS-Wolfy: So do I!

I think if that was actually a thing, there might be a boom in customers :)

14AHS-Wolfy
Editado: Oct 22, 2020, 4:48 pm

>12 Sakerfalcon: & >13 -pilgrim-: I have the opportunity of cherry-picking from a thread on a football forum. Mostly the posts there are not suitable for passing on but the odd one crops up like this & the previous one in >5 AHS-Wolfy:.

15margd
Oct 24, 2020, 9:16 am

Amusing quips about this terrible, horrible, no good, very bad year:

I can't believe I bought a 2020 planner.

If I'd only known in March that it would be my last time in a restaurant,
I would have ordered dessert.

I still can't believe people's survival instincts told them to grab toilet paper.

(More at https://www.facebook.com/photo?fbid=10214292802473665&set=a.1020429385190615...

16AHS-Wolfy
Oct 27, 2020, 6:46 am

Just burned my Hawaiian pizza. Apparently I should have cooked it on...

Aloha heat

17pgmcc
Oct 27, 2020, 7:06 am

>16 AHS-Wolfy: Boom! Boom!
:-)

18ScoLgo
Oct 27, 2020, 10:17 pm

Glass coffins. Will they be popular?

Remains to be seen.

19cindydavid4
Oct 27, 2020, 10:23 pm

>18 ScoLgo: groan.......(but lol too)

20rgurskey
Dic 2, 2020, 10:13 pm

I bought a dog from a locksmith.

Big mistake, as soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.

21rgurskey
Dic 3, 2020, 6:42 pm

The fact that some people can't distinguish between etymology and entomology bugs me in ways I can't put into words.

22cindydavid4
Dic 3, 2020, 7:51 pm

Hahahah!

23Majel-Susan
Dic 3, 2020, 10:06 pm

>21 rgurskey: HA! I like that!

24pgmcc
Dic 4, 2020, 4:54 am

>21 rgurskey: I love it.

25foggidawn
Dic 10, 2020, 3:53 pm

I was recently asked who my favorite vampire was. I replied, "The Muppet from Sesame Street."

They told me, "He doesn't count!"

I replied, "Oh, I assure you, he does!"

26humouress
Dic 10, 2020, 8:22 pm

I ❤️ The Count!

27ScoLgo
Dic 10, 2020, 11:38 pm

Q: What do vegan zombies eat?

A: Graaaaaaaainnss...

28-Eva-
Dic 17, 2020, 3:59 pm

The world's first French fry was not cooked in France, it was cooked in Greece.

29rgurskey
Dic 18, 2020, 10:36 am

> 28
I think you are Russian things.

30hfglen
Dic 21, 2020, 11:28 am

Q: What's green, covered in tinsel, and goes "ribbit ribbit"?
A: A mistle-toad.

31skittles
Dic 23, 2020, 9:21 am

What did Trump say to Biden in the hallway of the White House?

Pardon me, please.

32rastaphrog
Dic 23, 2020, 10:04 pm

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife asked, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"

He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. "Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly."

No, she's not." he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

"Well, what is it, then?" his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said. "Her name is Sally and she's a battery salesperson."

"Batteries?" cried the wife.

"Yes," he replied. "Sally sells C cells by the Seashore.

33ScoLgo
Dic 24, 2020, 12:50 am

My friend was telling me that he failed his exam in Aboriginal music.

I asked, "Dija redo it?"

34humouress
Dic 24, 2020, 3:23 am

35pgmcc
Dic 24, 2020, 3:55 am

>33 ScoLgo: I am proud to know you.

36pgmcc
Dic 24, 2020, 3:55 am

>34 humouress: Nice one.

37Darth-Heather
Dic 24, 2020, 1:54 pm

One tectonic plate bumped into another and said:
"sorry, my fault"

38AHS-Wolfy
Dic 25, 2020, 7:09 am

Not sure how well this one will translate to other countries but we'll see...

The whole of Cornwall has been placed into a higher state of lockdown after hundreds of pirates returned home to Penzance to celebrate Christmas with their families... Apparently the Arrrrr rate has increased dramatically!

And another one...

My kids keeps finding the Christmas presents that I have hidden around the house... someone suggested I put them up in the attic, so I did that last night.... I literally got no sleep coz all I could hear was them crying and moaning about spiders, the dark and wanting to be let down
any other suggestions please?

39pgmcc
Dic 25, 2020, 7:54 am

>38 AHS-Wolfy: Both jokes understood in Ireland; after all, Cornwall is Celtic and any parent would appreciate the attic story.

40hfglen
Dic 25, 2020, 9:23 am

>38 AHS-Wolfy: One of the Feline Overlords (Overlady in her case) loves to explore in the roof, but gets lost up there and cries until rescued.

41hfglen
Dic 25, 2020, 12:50 pm

Q: What brass instrument does a potato play?
A: A tuba (tuber).

42haydninvienna
Dic 26, 2020, 5:48 am

43hfglen
Dic 26, 2020, 6:56 am

Q: What do you call a root vegetable with a sore throat?
A: A hoarse-radish.

Clearly BBC4's Gardeners' Question Time yesterday had been overdosing on the Christmas cheer.

44haydninvienna
Dic 27, 2020, 11:28 am

Balderdash, noun: a sprint race between Yul Brynner, Telly Savalas and Patrick Stewart.

45Yamanekotei
Editado: Dic 27, 2020, 5:35 pm

46Novak
Dic 29, 2020, 2:09 pm

We decided to hide the kid's presents up in the roof this year to stop them being found. So I went up there with the wife. Ugggh, all dirt and filth and cobwebs.

Still, she's good to the kids.

47haydninvienna
Dic 29, 2020, 2:48 pm

I always eat eggs benedict off a hub cap.
Because there is no plates like chrome for the hollandaise.

(With apologies to Metafilter user Multicellular Exothermic—from here: https://ask.metafilter.com/351007/hollandaise-for-days.)

48margd
Editado: Dic 29, 2020, 4:12 pm

>47 haydninvienna: Every Christmas I make Eggs Benedict for breakfast. Chances are 50:50 chance that I'll get the Hollandaise sauce right, but hey, it's TRADITION! This year I could have used your joke...especially with new DIL watching to see what kitchen marvels son has been raving about, bless him... :/

49Berly
Dic 31, 2020, 2:32 pm

>47 haydninvienna: Oooohhhh! That's bad/good!

50margd
Ene 3, 2021, 3:10 pm

I don't hate ALL of the periodic table. Just elements of it.

- Sanjeev Kohli

51AHS-Wolfy
Ene 4, 2021, 10:17 am

I need to re-home a dog.

It's a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot.

If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get the little blighter for you.

52rgurskey
Ene 5, 2021, 6:23 pm

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

53theretiredlibrarian
Ene 5, 2021, 7:49 pm

What do you call an old snowman?

Water!

54hfglen
Ene 7, 2021, 10:52 am

Did you hear of the vegan cannibal? He only eats Swedes.

55EAEowyn
Ene 9, 2021, 8:16 am

Do your hospitals also have a Head Entrance? I always wonder about the rest...

Then the signs in the lobby: "Eye Reception". "Skin Reception". "Child Surgery". "Dental Surgery". It can make anyone feel a shiver.

56hfglen
Ene 9, 2021, 8:31 am

>55 EAEowyn: You remind me of the bilingual (English / Afrikaans) horse who complained one day "Eina! Ek het hoof-pain!"

57EAEowyn
Ene 9, 2021, 9:34 am

>56 hfglen: Sorry, just a Swede, not been eaten yet...

58hfglen
Ene 9, 2021, 10:29 am

>57 EAEowyn: Afrikaans hoofpyn = headache

59margd
Ene 9, 2021, 11:20 am

I pitied poor Brits getting 'jabs' until I realized how bad our 'shots' must sound to them!

60-pilgrim-
Ene 9, 2021, 12:07 pm

>59 margd: Not at all. A shot of vodka is often welcome.

61hfglen
Ene 14, 2021, 6:06 am

I have just pointed out to Better Half that the grater attachment of the food processor is surely misnamed. Since it makes things smaller, shouldn't it be a "lesser"?

62pgmcc
Ene 14, 2021, 9:17 am

>61 hfglen: Now I know how you feel when you read my jokes.

63rgurskey
Ene 15, 2021, 3:52 pm

>61 hfglen: It's like the brightness control on the television. The shows do not get any brighter.

64Jim53
Ene 15, 2021, 9:01 pm

>63 rgurskey: Nor do the viewers.

65AHS-Wolfy
Ene 16, 2021, 6:50 am

Apparently Julie Andrews will no longer be endorsing Rimmel Vibrant Shades lipstick, as she claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell. In a statement she said:

"The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis"

66pgmcc
Ene 16, 2021, 8:56 am

67Novak
Ene 16, 2021, 10:27 am

>65 AHS-Wolfy: Sounds precocious .. .. .. ..

68MrsLee
Ene 16, 2021, 1:48 pm

>65 AHS-Wolfy: Oh, that is painful.

69hfglen
Ene 16, 2021, 2:31 pm

At the Railway Society's working day today conversation drifted to a kitchen car the guys are restoring. After lunch I did some reading and discovered that it had been planned in c. 1926 by a committee including a chef whose name rang a bell, because when I wur a lad (late 1960s) a chef of the same name ran a classy restaurant in Johannesburg. Chairman's comment: At least he was well train-ed for his second career.

70pgmcc
Ene 16, 2021, 4:16 pm

>69 hfglen: Keep up the good work, Hugh!

71MerryMary
Ene 17, 2021, 7:48 pm

>68 MrsLee: It was, in fact, atrocious....

72Sakerfalcon
Ene 18, 2021, 10:42 am

I've heard you can catch Covid off cats. Don't ask meow

That gem is from my manager!

73pgmcc
Ene 18, 2021, 11:50 am

lol

74margd
Ene 18, 2021, 9:12 pm

>72 Sakerfalcon: Love it!

Which knight invented the Round Table?

Sir Cumference.

75foggidawn
Editado: Ene 19, 2021, 8:51 am

There's a whole children's book series based on that pun.

Sir Cumference and the First Round Table, etc.

76hfglen
Ene 19, 2021, 9:15 am

It was also dusted off when Harry Secombe was knighted.

77margd
Ene 19, 2021, 9:24 am

>75 foggidawn: Thanks for tip. I buy books for eight kids--and counting--but hadn't heard of these.

78AHS-Wolfy
Ene 26, 2021, 10:31 am

Someone has collapsed on the luggage carousel at the airport...

Medics at the scene report they are coming round slowly.

79ScoLgo
Ene 28, 2021, 12:51 pm

Please remember to never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent Florist Friars.

80margd
Feb 5, 2021, 3:12 pm

What do you get when you cross a centipede and a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.

What's a brown-headed cowbird's favorite vegetable
ʇuɐldɓɓƎ

81hfglen
Feb 7, 2021, 1:38 pm

"What was that explosion on Henry's farm?"
"He fed his chickens 'Lay or Bust' feed, and one of them was a rooster.

(Rhodesia Railways magazine, December 1953)

82cindydavid4
Feb 22, 2021, 9:48 am

wow where is everyone? Have we really run out of bad jokes?

83pgmcc
Feb 22, 2021, 9:51 am

>82 cindydavid4: My first thought on reading your post was, “Be careful what you ask for.”

84AHS-Wolfy
Editado: Feb 22, 2021, 11:34 am

I was interviewed by the police yesterday. "I plead the fifth" was my response to each question.

Needless to say, I didn't get the job.

85AHS-Wolfy
Editado: Feb 22, 2021, 11:29 am

Este mensaje fue borrado por su autor.

86hfglen
Feb 22, 2021, 1:57 pm

"You could get more for ten cents years ago."
"Yep. Dimes sure have changed."

"I had an operation, and the doctor left a sponge inside me."
"Got any pain?"
"No, but boy do I get thirsty."

(both from the Rhodesia Railways staff magazine, October 1954)

87cindydavid4
Editado: Feb 22, 2021, 5:29 pm

>83 pgmcc: HA Ha haha oh so true

882wonderY
Feb 22, 2021, 5:29 pm

Is this a repeat?

Q: What’s the internal temperature of a tauntaun?

A: Luke Warm

89fuzzi
Feb 22, 2021, 8:32 pm

>88 2wonderY: bwahaha!

90NorthernStar
Feb 22, 2021, 9:47 pm

Here's one recycled from one of these threads many years ago (and I hope I've remembered it correctly):

What lies on the bottom of the ocean and shakes?

A nervous wreck

91Novak
Feb 23, 2021, 3:07 am

Where have you all been?

>84 AHS-Wolfy: Love it!

>85 AHS-Wolfy: Better than the other way around ! :-)

My neighbour tells such lies.

He tells such lies about me. He broke into my house, shot himself dead in my bathroom and then told the police that I did it.

92AHS-Wolfy
Feb 23, 2021, 9:54 am

During lockdown I've put on a bit of weight. A friend of mine recommended the Adam Ant diet.

"How does that go?" I asked

"Don’t chew ever, don’t chew ever..." he replied.

93fuzzi
Feb 23, 2021, 9:55 am

I love most of these jokes, some of which I have already heard (but they're good repeats). There are only a couple which I don't "get", due to regional differences.

But the Tauntaun pun really got me, I laughed out loud!

94Darth-Heather
Feb 23, 2021, 10:11 am

95-pilgrim-
Feb 23, 2021, 10:30 am

>92 AHS-Wolfy: Nice one!

96ScoLgo
Mar 3, 2021, 5:25 pm

Why are seagulls called seagulls?

Because if they flew over bays, they'd be bagels.

97fuzzi
Mar 3, 2021, 5:44 pm

>96 ScoLgo: hahaha! I think I've heard that one before, but I grinned anyway.

98ScoLgo
Mar 3, 2021, 6:59 pm

Books that were never written...

"Dangerous Cliffs" by Eileen Dover
"Outdoor Chair Building" by Paddy O'Ferncher
"Breakfast is Ready" by Crispin Bacon
"The Lion Attacked" by Claudia Armov
"Get Rich Quick" by Robin Banks
"How to Lift a Brick Building" by Noah Kanndue
"Running to the Outhouse" by Willie Mayket, (illustrated by Betty Wont & edited by Doris Loct)

992wonderY
Editado: Mar 3, 2021, 8:33 pm

I thought that last one wasn’t written by I.P. Dailey.

100ScoLgo
Mar 3, 2021, 9:17 pm

>99 2wonderY: I believe that title is actually, "The Yellow River" ;)

101rgurskey
Mar 4, 2021, 5:13 pm

Inventor of the miniskirt - I. C. Heine.

102rgurskey
Mar 7, 2021, 8:12 am

Felt uncomfortable driving into the cemetery. The GPS blurted out "You have reached your final destination."

103hfglen
Mar 7, 2021, 9:47 am

Teacher: Johnny, tell me where elephants are found.
Johnny: I dunno -- they're so big they hardly ever get lost.

104pgmcc
Mar 7, 2021, 10:08 am

>102 rgurskey: LOL...but quietly. Had to show respect.

105pgmcc
Editado: Mar 8, 2021, 2:33 am

>103 hfglen:

What do you get if you cross an elephant with a mouse?

Very big holes in your skirting boards.

106fuzzi
Mar 7, 2021, 9:14 pm

>105 pgmcc: elephant jokes?

Why do elephants wear red sneakers?
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*

Their blue sneakers are in the wash.

107cindydavid4
Mar 7, 2021, 11:33 pm

Then there is the ant identification chart: black , carpenter, fire and eleph

108fuzzi
Mar 8, 2021, 2:36 pm

Why do elephants wear green ball caps?

*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*

So they can tiptoe across a pool table without being seen...

109MerryMary
Mar 8, 2021, 7:19 pm

>108 fuzzi: I love this one. I remember it from a a book of elephant jokes from the '60s. Along the same line...Why did the elephant paint her toenails red?
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
So she could hide in the cherry tree!

110fuzzi
Mar 8, 2021, 11:53 pm

>109 MerryMary: I think we might have read the same book: 101 Elephant Jokes.

How can you tell an elephant has been in your refrigerator?

*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
You can see his footprints in the cheesecake.

111pgmcc
Editado: Mar 9, 2021, 11:33 am

>110 fuzzi:
How do you know there are two elephants in your fridge?
*
*
You can hear them talking.

112hfglen
Mar 9, 2021, 10:11 am

Special for YouKneeK:

A camel with one hump is called a dromedary.
A camel with two humps is called a Bactrian.
So what do you call a camel with three humps?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Humphrey.

113fuzzi
Mar 9, 2021, 12:42 pm

>112 hfglen: ::groan::

I like it.

114fuzzi
Mar 9, 2021, 12:43 pm

A one L lama he's a priest.
A two L llama, he's a beast.
And I will bet a silk pajama,
There isn't any three LLL lllama!

~ Ogden Nash

115pgmcc
Mar 9, 2021, 12:44 pm

How do you get four ostriches in a mini car?
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
Two in the front and two in the back.

116pgmcc
Mar 9, 2021, 12:45 pm

>114 fuzzi: We had that in our school poetry book. You are taking me back fifty years or more.

117MerryMary
Mar 9, 2021, 4:38 pm

>116 pgmcc: Me too!

118fuzzi
Mar 9, 2021, 5:24 pm

>115 pgmcc: hahaha! I've heard that one with elephants.

How do you get five elephants in a Volkswagon Beetle?

*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*

Two in the front
Two in the back
One in the glove compartment

119fuzzi
Mar 9, 2021, 5:25 pm

>116 pgmcc: >117 MerryMary: fifty years sounds about right. I learned my first Ogden Nash poem in the late 1960s. I think it was The Panther.

120YouKneeK
Mar 9, 2021, 7:35 pm

>112 hfglen: LOL, thank you so much! ;)

121hfglen
Mar 11, 2021, 11:14 am

In the Roman, navy, if a galley slave died at his oar the guards would immediately get out their whips and lash all the other slaves across their backs.
Q: Do the esteemed Dragoneers know why they did this?
A: When someone died, they always had a whip-around.

122fuzzi
Mar 11, 2021, 2:02 pm

>121 hfglen: I think that is a regional term, I have no idea what a whip-around is...

123foggidawn
Mar 11, 2021, 2:14 pm

>122 fuzzi: Like passing a hat, is my understanding.

124pgmcc
Mar 11, 2021, 2:23 pm

>122 fuzzi: What >123 foggidawn: said; a collection for someone.

125hfglen
Mar 12, 2021, 6:04 am

OK, let's try another from the same source, this time (hopefully) without unintentional regionalisms.

Q: Why was the Hansom Cab invented?
A: So the superior who sits in the interior will not see the posterior of the inferior who sits on the exterior.

126-pilgrim-
Mar 12, 2021, 11:14 am

>125 hfglen: Handsomely done, my friend.

127MrsLee
Mar 12, 2021, 1:45 pm

>121 hfglen: I actually got that because I have been watching Inspector Lewis. It pays to watch British murder mysteries for cultural references! lol

128hfglen
Mar 12, 2021, 2:32 pm

Q: Why did the chicken run halfway across the road?
A: Because it was a Rhode Island.

129fuzzi
Mar 12, 2021, 6:03 pm

>125 hfglen: I liked that one ;)

It reminded me of:

The Firefly by Ogden Nash

The firefly's flame
Is something for which science has no name
I can think of nothing eerier
Than flying around with an unidentified glow on a person's posterior.

130PossMan
Editado: Mar 13, 2021, 2:35 pm

>123 foggidawn:: Exactly. When us from Ramsbottom (Lancashire UK) went on a coach trip to Blackpool there was always a whipround (no 'a' usually) for the driver before we got back home.

131hfglen
Mar 15, 2021, 6:33 am

"He's a psycho-ceramic"
"What's that?"
"A crackpot"

132-pilgrim-
Mar 15, 2021, 7:09 am

>131 hfglen: That's worth stealing, as an adjective to apply to certain theories...

133hfglen
Mar 15, 2021, 7:11 am

>132 -pilgrim-: I lifted it from the Rhodesia Railways Magazine of July 1956, so it's out of copyright.

134-pilgrim-
Mar 15, 2021, 7:29 am

>133 hfglen: The old 'uns are the good 'uns.

135haydninvienna
Mar 15, 2021, 9:34 am

I remember that there was a "science fact" article in Analog sometime in the 60s about a "psychoceramic". If memory serves, it was about a solid oxide fuel cell (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Solid_oxide_fuel_cell). And of course good old JWCjr used the occasion to lambast the supposed conservatism of the scientific establishment.

136cindydavid4
Mar 15, 2021, 11:34 am

>131 hfglen: Hahahahha!

137fuzzi
Mar 15, 2021, 1:19 pm

>135 haydninvienna: who is JWCjr?

138ScoLgo
Mar 15, 2021, 1:44 pm

My guess would be John W Campbell, jr? Author of Who Goes There? and (in)famous editor from the Golden Age of SF.

139ScoLgo
Mar 15, 2021, 1:46 pm

Q: What does a mermaid wash her fins with?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

A: Tide

140Novak
Editado: Mar 15, 2021, 1:48 pm

>138 ScoLgo: So .. .. .. .. It's a quiz now, is it?

141haydninvienna
Mar 15, 2021, 4:25 pm

>137 fuzzi: >138 ScoLgo: Exactly right.

142hfglen
Mar 15, 2021, 4:44 pm

Statistics of crossing accidents show that locomotives are not afraid of cars.

143fuzzi
Mar 15, 2021, 9:33 pm

>139 ScoLgo: ::chuckling::

144hfglen
Mar 16, 2021, 11:54 am

Drove past the shopping centre that houses our local Specsavers, and had to smile. Next to the eye-man is a health-food shop. Next to them is a place that sells vaping supplies, and (I think) doubles as a tobacconist.

145fuzzi
Mar 17, 2021, 8:39 am

>144 hfglen: years ago a pet store opened next to a Chinese restaurant. The name of the pet store? "Sweet Pets"

I kid you not, I even took a photo of it!

146hfglen
Mar 17, 2021, 9:43 am

>145 fuzzi: ... and no doubt the pet store owner lived and (for ought I know) died blissfully unaware of the problem.

147fuzzi
Editado: Mar 17, 2021, 9:49 am

>146 hfglen: hahaha, nope. They moved to another location (cheaper?) within about a year, but eventually went out of business.

It was a good place for aquarium supplies and fish, but the owner decided to specialize in "marine" (salt water aquariums) and I think they lost too much business from the average aquarist like myself.

Oops, sorry for the hijack.

148hfglen
Mar 17, 2021, 2:44 pm

Help from Rhodesia Railways in sorting out the "derailment":

There are two well-known finishes for a car: lacquer and liquor.

149fuzzi
Mar 17, 2021, 3:58 pm

>148 hfglen: bwahaha! Good one.

150rgurskey
Mar 17, 2021, 10:46 pm

From Facebook;

A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other,
and finally they got married, and had a little sweet
potato, which they called 'Yam'.

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.

She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring Cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland .

And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries.

And when she went out West, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University ) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw!

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.

They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw

Because he's just......
Are you ready for this?
Are you sure?
*
*
OK!
Here it is!
*
*
*
*
A COMMONTATER

151fuzzi
Mar 18, 2021, 7:59 am

>150 rgurskey: ha! Cute.

152DylanTucker
Mar 18, 2021, 8:01 am

Este usuario ha sido eliminado por spam.

153hfglen
Mar 18, 2021, 3:30 pm

154hfglen
Mar 18, 2021, 3:32 pm

And this was surely a bunch of Rhodesians (their capacity for beer was legendary) ...

Doctor: How's the patient this morning?
Nurse: I think he's gaining consciousness. He tried to blow the foam off his medicine.

155hfglen
Mar 20, 2021, 6:30 am

"Doctor, was my operation a success"
"Sorry, old man, I'm St. Peter."

156TeaBag88
Editado: Mar 20, 2021, 10:34 am

How's this for irony? . . . . .Four posts this week on another LT thread:

(1) My hobby of course is being a helper on Librarything. I must spend 3 or 4 hours a day acting as a helper. Have over 75000 CK entries

(2) That's an impressive amount of CK. I mostly just do a lot of tag voting.

(3) What is CK?

(4) Common Knowledge.

157Jim53
Mar 23, 2021, 5:06 pm

A very romantic wife sent her husband this text: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are drinking, send me a sip. I love you!"
The husband texted back, "On the toilet. Please advise."

158margd
Mar 23, 2021, 5:47 pm

What do you call dental x-rays?
.
.
.
Tooth pix!

159fuzzi
Mar 23, 2021, 6:59 pm

>158 margd: hahaha!

160TeaBag88
Editado: Mar 23, 2021, 7:12 pm

>157 Jim53: Some people take the 'phone everywhere. 😃

And they say romance is dead . . . . .(HE is now!)

161humouress
Mar 23, 2021, 10:33 pm

>157 Jim53: At least her husband asked for advice.

162hfglen
Mar 24, 2021, 11:07 am

Bookmarque's latest picture reminds me of the man who perforce found himself staying over at a monastery one Friday night. The meal he was offered turned out to be unexpectedly good and so he cornered one of the residents and asked how he should go about conveying his compliments to the chef. The answer he received:

"You want the Fish Friar. I'm only the Chip Monk."

1632wonderY
Mar 24, 2021, 12:03 pm

>162 hfglen:. Oh! I wonder if the fish fries are on this year. Probably not yet. ☹️

164TeaBag88
Mar 24, 2021, 12:45 pm

>162 hfglen: Good joke, good play on words, sad we don't know where said picture is.

165hfglen
Editado: Mar 24, 2021, 3:21 pm

>164 TeaBag88: In Bookmarque's thread, near the end.

ETA: At post #109

166TeaBag88
Editado: Mar 25, 2021, 6:19 am

>165 hfglen: Got it! I saw what you did there 😃😃

What a wonderful thread, after admiring the chipmunk I went on to read the whole thread and the photos. Just fantastic (and a good joke as a bonus) Many thanks.

167smirks4u
Mar 25, 2021, 6:54 am

>1 margd: Very nice.
A man from Albania was having trouble communicating to his American girlfriend. He told her he loved her. She replied, "Ditto!"
(What is this 'ditto'? Does she love me? Is she making a joke?!)
He goes to his friend with better English and gets his advice.
"Okay. Everything is okay. It's like this. If I tell you I have a cabbage and you have a cabbage: I can say 'I have a cabbage!' You can just say, "Ditto." Get it?"
"Okay! Thank you!"
On the next date the young lady snuggles up. She says, "You know what? I really love you!"
He smiles serenely and says, "Cabbage."
---
An engineering student was studying by the clock tower when he buddy rolls up on a new bicycle. "Where did you get that?"
"You'll never believe it. That girl that always wears the sundresses came up to me, took off her clothes, and said 'Take anything you want!" The buddy who was studying was now checking out the derailleurs and brakes.
"Good choice. You wouldn't fit in her clothes anyway."
---
What time do baby alligators go to sleep?
About nine o'croc.

168smirks4u
Mar 25, 2021, 6:55 am

>7 YouKneeK: Right there with you. I am afraid to keep dragon out these punchlines.

169smirks4u
Mar 25, 2021, 6:57 am

>15 margd: 2020 was horrible. I just kept waiting for someone to remember to yell,
JUMANJI!

170smirks4u
Mar 25, 2021, 7:04 am

>21 rgurskey: That was excellent.
Why can’t you trust an atom?
They make up everything.
---
A physicist, a biologist, and a chemist were going to the ocean for the first time. The physicist saw the ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves and walked into the ocean. Obviously he was drowned and never returned.

The biologist said he wanted to do research on the life forms inside the ocean and walked into the water. He, too, never returned.

The chemist waited for a long time and afterwards, wrote the observation, “The physicist and the biologist are soluble in ocean water.”

171smirks4u
Mar 25, 2021, 7:12 am

>47 haydninvienna: You will be put away in the punetentiary for that one.
A farmer's wife saw him sitting on the front porch steps, staring into the sunset. She brought him a glass of tea and sat with him. She saw a tear on his cheek.
"Honey?" she asked, "What's the matter?"
"You remember twenty years ago? We both ran down in the creek bottom together for a couple hours. Your father brought a shotgun and the sheriff to my house and said I was going to marry you or go to prison?"
She snuggled both hands around his arm and laid her head on his shoulder. "I sure do, Honey."
"I'd have gotten out today."

172smirks4u
Mar 25, 2021, 7:21 am

>128 hfglen: This joke was only funny, and only a little bit, in 1981:
Why did the chicken cross the road?

It was safety-pinned to a punk rocker.
---
A young woman in the deep woods had fallen deeply in love with a city boy named Clarence. Her two gigantic brothers, and more gigantic father, were enraged. They got the mattock handles and riding crop and piled into the truck. None of them read very well. They murmured as they drove about what old Clarence was going to learn.
They approached an overhead railway which read, "Clearance, 9'11"
The brothers sat silently until their father finally said, "Boys, who are we to question true love?"

173fuzzi
Mar 25, 2021, 8:46 am

>167 smirks4u: I've heard a variation of that engineering student joke before, but it still made me grin.

174smirks4u
Mar 25, 2021, 5:28 pm

>173 fuzzi: Creature lives to serve the noble house of Fuzzi. ( with apologies to Harry Potter)

175smirks4u
Mar 25, 2021, 5:30 pm

For all you physicists:
What Did The Higgs Boson Say When It Was Prevented From Entering The Church?
"How can you have mass without me?"

176AHS-Wolfy
Mar 26, 2021, 7:08 am

My other half and I seemed to be going through a rocky patch so we decided to spice things up in the bedroom and bought a water bed. Unfortunately it didn't have the desired effect as we seemed to just drift further apart.

177smirks4u
Mar 26, 2021, 10:08 am

Most days I wrestle with my demons.
Other days we just snuggle.

178rgurskey
Mar 27, 2021, 7:14 pm

Him: We can have gatherings of up to eight people without issues.
Her: I don't even know eight people without issues.

179MrsLee
Mar 27, 2021, 8:36 pm

180cindydavid4
Mar 27, 2021, 9:55 pm

>178 rgurskey: HAHahaha!

181fuzzi
Mar 28, 2021, 9:00 pm

182TeaBag88
Mar 29, 2021, 12:02 pm

Do you think I aught to own up about the teapot I ordered on ebay from China that was in a container on that boat in the Suez Canal? Jonah.

183fuzzi
Mar 29, 2021, 12:52 pm

>182 TeaBag88: slow boat from China... ;)

184smirks4u
Mar 29, 2021, 2:30 pm

>183 fuzzi: Haha. :)
---
So Amazon workers will vote against forming a workers' union today. In a locked room, at 4:30 a. m., UPS and FedEx workers will later discover 1400 more votes to unionize in locked containers.

185smirks4u
Mar 29, 2021, 2:38 pm

What do you call an Italian dish that is equal but more equal than other Italian dishes? Animal Parm.~~~

Jane Austen finally got a Match.com profile: "If forced to endure your company, I might eventually come to love you..." ~~~

You know who else put his friends into little circles?
Dante.
~~~
Footnote thanks to https://www.weareteachers.com/literature-jokes/#:~:text=%2015%20Cheesy%20But%20H...

186fuzzi
Mar 29, 2021, 5:39 pm

>184 smirks4u: >185 smirks4u: you're a punny person!

187smirks4u
Mar 30, 2021, 3:03 pm

News polls this morning show that six out of seven Dwarves are not Happy.

188fuzzi
Mar 30, 2021, 3:54 pm

>187 smirks4u: BWAHAHAHA!

Okay, I'm easy to laugh...

189AHS-Wolfy
Abr 6, 2021, 10:09 am

The CEO of IKEA was just elected president in Sweden... He should have his cabinet together by the end of the week.

190smirks4u
Abr 9, 2021, 6:24 pm

As part of their camouflage program, the Norway Royal Navy will now be incorporating a dappled bar code for each ship just behind the anchor chain area of the bow.
That way, they can...

wait for it....

Scan da Navy in

191ScoLgo
Editado: Abr 9, 2021, 7:04 pm

>190 smirks4u: Thank you. As a Swede, I am fully in favor of this joke's inclusion in this thread.

>189 AHS-Wolfy: This joke also! (except Sweden has a Prime Minister instead of a President </nitpick>)

192margd
Abr 9, 2021, 7:52 pm

What does a buffalo say at sunset?
Bison!

(Weather Network)

193hfglen
Abr 10, 2021, 12:20 pm

Just seen a delicious Irish Bull in the South African Railways Magazine of August 1962:
"One of the salient features of the new train service which came into operation at the end of July, is a night train from Kimberley to Bloemfontein which will run every day.

194hfglen
Abr 12, 2021, 3:28 pm

Reconstruction of an item in the South African Railways Magazine of 1963:



Caption: "Costs about a buck a day to feed".
(I have substituted a lion image of my own)

195humouress
Abr 12, 2021, 10:44 pm

The South African Railways Magazines are a treasure trove.

196hfglen
Abr 13, 2021, 6:10 am

>195 humouress: Rhodesia Railways Magazine is even better, but these days nearly always Politically Incorrect.

197hfglen
Abr 14, 2021, 5:58 am

Doctor: Now do exactly all I have told you, and don't forget to take a bath before retiring.
Patient: But Doctor, I don't retire for another ten years yet.

198pgmcc
Abr 14, 2021, 6:28 am

199hfglen
Abr 18, 2021, 2:49 pm

From the South African Railways Magazine, May 1965:

We salute the station foreman who thought that sex was something the Free State farmers despatched their mealies* in.

*mealies: maize (UK); corn (US).

200pgmcc
Abr 19, 2021, 4:55 am

Q: Why should you not write with a broken pencil?

A: It's pointless.

201fuzzi
Abr 19, 2021, 9:34 pm

>200 pgmcc: hehehe...

202pgmcc
Abr 28, 2021, 8:14 am

>201 fuzzi: You will probably have noticed I used that one on my thread in my comments about a book. I am never one to avoid repetition when I can avoid it.

If a bad joke is good enough to repeat, repeat it again and again and again…

203fuzzi
Abr 28, 2021, 8:20 am

>202 pgmcc: I did notice, ha!

On to page 12.

204hlfuller
Jun 23, 2021, 7:45 am

>114 fuzzi: That’d be a *hot* time in the old town

205margd
Feb 21, 2022, 6:15 pm

A guy threw his milk at me...
How Dairy!

206clamairy
Editado: Feb 21, 2022, 6:48 pm

There's a newer thread, good people... The link is here: https://www.librarything.com/topic/339395
Este tema fue continuado por Bad Joke of the Day 12.