Bad Joke of the Day 11
Esto es una continuación del tema Bad Joke of the Day 10.
Este tema fue continuado por Bad Joke of the Day 12.
CharlasThe Green Dragon
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1margd
“Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Owls say
Owls say who?
Yes. Yes, they do.”
“Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Cabbage
Cabbage who?
You expect a cabbage to have a last name?”
“Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Ida
Ida who?
Surely, it’s pronounced Idaho?”
“Knock, knock
Who’s there?
A little old lady
A little old lady who?
Wow, I didn’t know you could yodel!”
“Knock, knock
Who’s there?
To
To who?
No, it’s to whom.”
“Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Spell
Spell who?
W-H-O.”
“Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Smellmop
Smellmop who?
Gross! No thanks!”
“Knock, knock
Who’s there?
I am
I am who?
Are you having an identity crisis?”
“Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Cash
Cash who?
No thanks, but I’d love some peanuts.”
“Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Amish
Amish who?
Really, you’re a shoe? Uh, okay.”
“Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Ya
Ya who?
No thanks, I use Google.”
“Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Billy Bob Joe Penny
Billy Bob Joe Penny who?
Really? How many Billy Bob Joe Pennies do you know?”
“Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Europe
Europe who?
No, you’re a poo!”
“Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Hatch
Hatch who?
God bless you!”
“Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Hike
Hike who?
I didn’t know you liked Japanese poetry!”
“Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Tank
Tank who?
You’re welcome.”
“Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Says
Says who?
Says me, that’s who!”
“Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Cow says
Cow says who?
No, cow says, 'Mooooooo!'”
“Knock, knock.
Who's there?
FBI.
FB...
We're asking the questions here!”
Forceful, interrupting delivery is key here
“Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Nana.
Nana who?
Nana your business, that’s who.”
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne, who?
Dwayne the bathtub! I’m dwowning!
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
A gang of vigilantes armed with machine guns, leather straps and brass knuckles to thump the breath out of anybody who persists in playing this blame fool knock-knock game.
https://www.artofmanliness.com/articles/best-knock-knock-jokes/
5AHS-Wolfy
Lance is not a very popular name these days
But in medieval times people were named Lance a lot.
But in medieval times people were named Lance a lot.
6MrsLee
>5 AHS-Wolfy: *groan*
I'm Gwena veer away from that one.
I'm Gwena veer away from that one.
8WholeHouseLibrary
Gol, ah had one, but it dun got away from me.
9pgmcc
How do you determine the sex of an ant?
Easy. Drop it in a cup of water. If it sinks, girl-ant. If it floats, boy-ant.
Easy. Drop it in a cup of water. If it sinks, girl-ant. If it floats, boy-ant.
10AHS-Wolfy
I went to an Indian restaurant last night. After I had ordered, a little old lady came to me and said, "Aren't you polite. You have such lovely manners." Apparently, it was my complimentary nan!
ETA:
As I'm not sure if the term nan travels to other parts of the world it is a British colloquial term for grandmother.
ETA:
As I'm not sure if the term nan travels to other parts of the world it is a British colloquial term for grandmother.
12Sakerfalcon
>10 AHS-Wolfy: Love this one!
13-pilgrim-
>12 Sakerfalcon:, >10 AHS-Wolfy: So do I!
I think if that was actually a thing, there might be a boom in customers :)
I think if that was actually a thing, there might be a boom in customers :)
14AHS-Wolfy
>12 Sakerfalcon: & >13 -pilgrim-: I have the opportunity of cherry-picking from a thread on a football forum. Mostly the posts there are not suitable for passing on but the odd one crops up like this & the previous one in >5 AHS-Wolfy:.
15margd
Amusing quips about this terrible, horrible, no good, very bad year:
I can't believe I bought a 2020 planner.
If I'd only known in March that it would be my last time in a restaurant,
I would have ordered dessert.
I still can't believe people's survival instincts told them to grab toilet paper.
(More at https://www.facebook.com/photo?fbid=10214292802473665&set=a.1020429385190615...
I can't believe I bought a 2020 planner.
If I'd only known in March that it would be my last time in a restaurant,
I would have ordered dessert.
I still can't believe people's survival instincts told them to grab toilet paper.
(More at https://www.facebook.com/photo?fbid=10214292802473665&set=a.1020429385190615...
19cindydavid4
>18 ScoLgo: groan.......(but lol too)
20rgurskey
I bought a dog from a locksmith.
Big mistake, as soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.
Big mistake, as soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.
21rgurskey
The fact that some people can't distinguish between etymology and entomology bugs me in ways I can't put into words.
22cindydavid4
Hahahah!
23Majel-Susan
>21 rgurskey: HA! I like that!
24pgmcc
>21 rgurskey: I love it.
25foggidawn
I was recently asked who my favorite vampire was. I replied, "The Muppet from Sesame Street."
They told me, "He doesn't count!"
I replied, "Oh, I assure you, he does!"
They told me, "He doesn't count!"
I replied, "Oh, I assure you, he does!"
32rastaphrog
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.
She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.
Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks the wife asked, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"
He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."
Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. "Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly."
No, she's not." he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
"Well, what is it, then?" his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said. "Her name is Sally and she's a battery salesperson."
"Batteries?" cried the wife.
"Yes," he replied. "Sally sells C cells by the Seashore.
She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.
Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks the wife asked, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"
He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."
Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. "Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly."
No, she's not." he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
"Well, what is it, then?" his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said. "Her name is Sally and she's a battery salesperson."
"Batteries?" cried the wife.
"Yes," he replied. "Sally sells C cells by the Seashore.
33ScoLgo
My friend was telling me that he failed his exam in Aboriginal music.
I asked, "Dija redo it?"
I asked, "Dija redo it?"
35pgmcc
>33 ScoLgo: I am proud to know you.
36pgmcc
>34 humouress: Nice one.
37Darth-Heather
One tectonic plate bumped into another and said:
"sorry, my fault"
"sorry, my fault"
38AHS-Wolfy
Not sure how well this one will translate to other countries but we'll see...
The whole of Cornwall has been placed into a higher state of lockdown after hundreds of pirates returned home to Penzance to celebrate Christmas with their families... Apparently the Arrrrr rate has increased dramatically!
And another one...
My kids keeps finding the Christmas presents that I have hidden around the house... someone suggested I put them up in the attic, so I did that last night.... I literally got no sleep coz all I could hear was them crying and moaning about spiders, the dark and wanting to be let down
any other suggestions please?
The whole of Cornwall has been placed into a higher state of lockdown after hundreds of pirates returned home to Penzance to celebrate Christmas with their families... Apparently the Arrrrr rate has increased dramatically!
And another one...
My kids keeps finding the Christmas presents that I have hidden around the house... someone suggested I put them up in the attic, so I did that last night.... I literally got no sleep coz all I could hear was them crying and moaning about spiders, the dark and wanting to be let down
any other suggestions please?
39pgmcc
>38 AHS-Wolfy: Both jokes understood in Ireland; after all, Cornwall is Celtic and any parent would appreciate the attic story.
40hfglen
>38 AHS-Wolfy: One of the Feline Overlords (Overlady in her case) loves to explore in the roof, but gets lost up there and cries until rescued.
42haydninvienna
>41 hfglen: Groan.
43hfglen
Q: What do you call a root vegetable with a sore throat?
A: A hoarse-radish.
Clearly BBC4's Gardeners' Question Time yesterday had been overdosing on the Christmas cheer.
A: A hoarse-radish.
Clearly BBC4's Gardeners' Question Time yesterday had been overdosing on the Christmas cheer.
44haydninvienna
Balderdash, noun: a sprint race between Yul Brynner, Telly Savalas and Patrick Stewart.
46Novak
We decided to hide the kid's presents up in the roof this year to stop them being found. So I went up there with the wife. Ugggh, all dirt and filth and cobwebs.
Still, she's good to the kids.
Still, she's good to the kids.
47haydninvienna
I always eat eggs benedict off a hub cap.
Because there is no plates like chrome for the hollandaise.
(With apologies to Metafilter user Multicellular Exothermic—from here: https://ask.metafilter.com/351007/hollandaise-for-days.)
Because there is no plates like chrome for the hollandaise.
(With apologies to Metafilter user Multicellular Exothermic—from here: https://ask.metafilter.com/351007/hollandaise-for-days.)
48margd
>47 haydninvienna: Every Christmas I make Eggs Benedict for breakfast. Chances are 50:50 chance that I'll get the Hollandaise sauce right, but hey, it's TRADITION! This year I could have used your joke...especially with new DIL watching to see what kitchen marvels son has been raving about, bless him... :/
49Berly
>47 haydninvienna: Oooohhhh! That's bad/good!
51AHS-Wolfy
I need to re-home a dog.
It's a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot.
If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get the little blighter for you.
It's a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot.
If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get the little blighter for you.
53theretiredlibrarian
What do you call an old snowman?
Water!
Water!
55EAEowyn
Do your hospitals also have a Head Entrance? I always wonder about the rest...
Then the signs in the lobby: "Eye Reception". "Skin Reception". "Child Surgery". "Dental Surgery". It can make anyone feel a shiver.
Then the signs in the lobby: "Eye Reception". "Skin Reception". "Child Surgery". "Dental Surgery". It can make anyone feel a shiver.
56hfglen
>55 EAEowyn: You remind me of the bilingual (English / Afrikaans) horse who complained one day "Eina! Ek het hoof-pain!"
57EAEowyn
>56 hfglen: Sorry, just a Swede, not been eaten yet...
58hfglen
>57 EAEowyn: Afrikaans hoofpyn = headache
60-pilgrim-
>59 margd: Not at all. A shot of vodka is often welcome.
61hfglen
I have just pointed out to Better Half that the grater attachment of the food processor is surely misnamed. Since it makes things smaller, shouldn't it be a "lesser"?
62pgmcc
>61 hfglen: Now I know how you feel when you read my jokes.
63rgurskey
>61 hfglen: It's like the brightness control on the television. The shows do not get any brighter.
64Jim53
>63 rgurskey: Nor do the viewers.
65AHS-Wolfy
Apparently Julie Andrews will no longer be endorsing Rimmel Vibrant Shades lipstick, as she claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell. In a statement she said:
"The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis"
"The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis"
67Novak
>65 AHS-Wolfy: Sounds precocious .. .. .. ..
68MrsLee
>65 AHS-Wolfy: Oh, that is painful.
69hfglen
At the Railway Society's working day today conversation drifted to a kitchen car the guys are restoring. After lunch I did some reading and discovered that it had been planned in c. 1926 by a committee including a chef whose name rang a bell, because when I wur a lad (late 1960s) a chef of the same name ran a classy restaurant in Johannesburg. Chairman's comment: At least he was well train-ed for his second career.
70pgmcc
>69 hfglen: Keep up the good work, Hugh!
71MerryMary
>68 MrsLee: It was, in fact, atrocious....
72Sakerfalcon
I've heard you can catch Covid off cats. Don't ask meow
That gem is from my manager!
That gem is from my manager!
75foggidawn
There's a whole children's book series based on that pun.
Sir Cumference and the First Round Table, etc.
Sir Cumference and the First Round Table, etc.
76hfglen
It was also dusted off when Harry Secombe was knighted.
77margd
>75 foggidawn: Thanks for tip. I buy books for eight kids--and counting--but hadn't heard of these.
78AHS-Wolfy
Someone has collapsed on the luggage carousel at the airport...
Medics at the scene report they are coming round slowly.
Medics at the scene report they are coming round slowly.
80margd
What do you get when you cross a centipede and a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
What's a brown-headed cowbird's favorite vegetable
ʇuɐldɓɓƎ
A walkie-talkie.
What's a brown-headed cowbird's favorite vegetable
ʇuɐldɓɓƎ
81hfglen
"What was that explosion on Henry's farm?"
"He fed his chickens 'Lay or Bust' feed, and one of them was a rooster.
(Rhodesia Railways magazine, December 1953)
"He fed his chickens 'Lay or Bust' feed, and one of them was a rooster.
(Rhodesia Railways magazine, December 1953)
82cindydavid4
wow where is everyone? Have we really run out of bad jokes?
83pgmcc
>82 cindydavid4: My first thought on reading your post was, “Be careful what you ask for.”
84AHS-Wolfy
I was interviewed by the police yesterday. "I plead the fifth" was my response to each question.
Needless to say, I didn't get the job.
Needless to say, I didn't get the job.
86hfglen
"You could get more for ten cents years ago."
"Yep. Dimes sure have changed."
"I had an operation, and the doctor left a sponge inside me."
"Got any pain?"
"No, but boy do I get thirsty."
(both from the Rhodesia Railways staff magazine, October 1954)
"Yep. Dimes sure have changed."
"I had an operation, and the doctor left a sponge inside me."
"Got any pain?"
"No, but boy do I get thirsty."
(both from the Rhodesia Railways staff magazine, October 1954)
89fuzzi
>88 2wonderY: bwahaha!
90NorthernStar
Here's one recycled from one of these threads many years ago (and I hope I've remembered it correctly):
What lies on the bottom of the ocean and shakes?
A nervous wreck
What lies on the bottom of the ocean and shakes?
91Novak
Where have you all been?
>84 AHS-Wolfy: Love it!
>85 AHS-Wolfy: Better than the other way around ! :-)
My neighbour tells such lies.
He tells such lies about me. He broke into my house, shot himself dead in my bathroom and then told the police that I did it.
>84 AHS-Wolfy: Love it!
>85 AHS-Wolfy: Better than the other way around ! :-)
My neighbour tells such lies.
He tells such lies about me. He broke into my house, shot himself dead in my bathroom and then told the police that I did it.
92AHS-Wolfy
During lockdown I've put on a bit of weight. A friend of mine recommended the Adam Ant diet.
"How does that go?" I asked
"Don’t chew ever, don’t chew ever..." he replied.
"How does that go?" I asked
93fuzzi
I love most of these jokes, some of which I have already heard (but they're good repeats). There are only a couple which I don't "get", due to regional differences.
But the Tauntaun pun really got me, I laughed out loud!
But the Tauntaun pun really got me, I laughed out loud!
95-pilgrim-
>92 AHS-Wolfy: Nice one!
97fuzzi
>96 ScoLgo: hahaha! I think I've heard that one before, but I grinned anyway.
98ScoLgo
Books that were never written...
"Dangerous Cliffs" by Eileen Dover
"Outdoor Chair Building" by Paddy O'Ferncher
"Breakfast is Ready" by Crispin Bacon
"The Lion Attacked" by Claudia Armov
"Get Rich Quick" by Robin Banks
"How to Lift a Brick Building" by Noah Kanndue
"Running to the Outhouse" by Willie Mayket, (illustrated by Betty Wont & edited by Doris Loct)
"Dangerous Cliffs" by Eileen Dover
"Outdoor Chair Building" by Paddy O'Ferncher
"Breakfast is Ready" by Crispin Bacon
"The Lion Attacked" by Claudia Armov
"Get Rich Quick" by Robin Banks
"How to Lift a Brick Building" by Noah Kanndue
"Running to the Outhouse" by Willie Mayket, (illustrated by Betty Wont & edited by Doris Loct)
100ScoLgo
>99 2wonderY: I believe that title is actually, "The Yellow River" ;)
102rgurskey
Felt uncomfortable driving into the cemetery. The GPS blurted out "You have reached your final destination."
103hfglen
Teacher: Johnny, tell me where elephants are found.
Johnny: I dunno -- they're so big they hardly ever get lost.
Johnny: I dunno -- they're so big they hardly ever get lost.
104pgmcc
>102 rgurskey: LOL...but quietly. Had to show respect.
105pgmcc
>103 hfglen:
What do you get if you cross an elephant with a mouse?
Very big holes in your skirting boards.
What do you get if you cross an elephant with a mouse?
Very big holes in your skirting boards.
106fuzzi
>105 pgmcc: elephant jokes?
Why do elephants wear red sneakers?
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Their blue sneakers are in the wash.
Why do elephants wear red sneakers?
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Their blue sneakers are in the wash.
107cindydavid4
Then there is the ant identification chart: black , carpenter, fire and eleph
108fuzzi
Why do elephants wear green ball caps?
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So they can tiptoe across a pool table without being seen...
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So they can tiptoe across a pool table without being seen...
109MerryMary
>108 fuzzi: I love this one. I remember it from a a book of elephant jokes from the '60s. Along the same line...Why did the elephant paint her toenails red?
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So she could hide in the cherry tree!
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So she could hide in the cherry tree!
110fuzzi
>109 MerryMary: I think we might have read the same book: 101 Elephant Jokes.
How can you tell an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
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You can see his footprints in the cheesecake.
How can you tell an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
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You can see his footprints in the cheesecake.
112hfglen
Special for YouKneeK:
A camel with one hump is called a dromedary.
A camel with two humps is called a Bactrian.
So what do you call a camel with three humps?
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Humphrey.
A camel with one hump is called a dromedary.
A camel with two humps is called a Bactrian.
So what do you call a camel with three humps?
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Humphrey.
114fuzzi
A one L lama he's a priest.
A two L llama, he's a beast.
And I will bet a silk pajama,
There isn't any three LLL lllama!
~ Ogden Nash
A two L llama, he's a beast.
And I will bet a silk pajama,
There isn't any three LLL lllama!
~ Ogden Nash
116pgmcc
>114 fuzzi: We had that in our school poetry book. You are taking me back fifty years or more.
117MerryMary
>116 pgmcc: Me too!
118fuzzi
>115 pgmcc: hahaha! I've heard that one with elephants.
How do you get five elephants in a Volkswagon Beetle?
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Two in the front
Two in the back
One in the glove compartment
How do you get five elephants in a Volkswagon Beetle?
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Two in the front
Two in the back
One in the glove compartment
119fuzzi
>116 pgmcc: >117 MerryMary: fifty years sounds about right. I learned my first Ogden Nash poem in the late 1960s. I think it was The Panther.
120YouKneeK
>112 hfglen: LOL, thank you so much! ;)
121hfglen
In the Roman, navy, if a galley slave died at his oar the guards would immediately get out their whips and lash all the other slaves across their backs.
Q: Do the esteemed Dragoneers know why they did this?
A: When someone died, they always had a whip-around.
Q: Do the esteemed Dragoneers know why they did this?
A: When someone died, they always had a whip-around.
122fuzzi
>121 hfglen: I think that is a regional term, I have no idea what a whip-around is...
123foggidawn
>122 fuzzi: Like passing a hat, is my understanding.
124pgmcc
>122 fuzzi: What >123 foggidawn: said; a collection for someone.
125hfglen
OK, let's try another from the same source, this time (hopefully) without unintentional regionalisms.
Q: Why was the Hansom Cab invented?
A: So the superior who sits in the interior will not see the posterior of the inferior who sits on the exterior.
Q: Why was the Hansom Cab invented?
A: So the superior who sits in the interior will not see the posterior of the inferior who sits on the exterior.
126-pilgrim-
>125 hfglen: Handsomely done, my friend.
127MrsLee
>121 hfglen: I actually got that because I have been watching Inspector Lewis. It pays to watch British murder mysteries for cultural references! lol
129fuzzi
>125 hfglen: I liked that one ;)
It reminded me of:
The Firefly by Ogden Nash
The firefly's flame
Is something for which science has no name
I can think of nothing eerier
Than flying around with an unidentified glow on a person's posterior.
It reminded me of:
The Firefly by Ogden Nash
The firefly's flame
Is something for which science has no name
I can think of nothing eerier
Than flying around with an unidentified glow on a person's posterior.
130PossMan
>123 foggidawn:: Exactly. When us from Ramsbottom (Lancashire UK) went on a coach trip to Blackpool there was always a whipround (no 'a' usually) for the driver before we got back home.
132-pilgrim-
>131 hfglen: That's worth stealing, as an adjective to apply to certain theories...
133hfglen
>132 -pilgrim-: I lifted it from the Rhodesia Railways Magazine of July 1956, so it's out of copyright.
134-pilgrim-
>133 hfglen: The old 'uns are the good 'uns.
135haydninvienna
I remember that there was a "science fact" article in Analog sometime in the 60s about a "psychoceramic". If memory serves, it was about a solid oxide fuel cell (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Solid_oxide_fuel_cell). And of course good old JWCjr used the occasion to lambast the supposed conservatism of the scientific establishment.
136cindydavid4
>131 hfglen: Hahahahha!
137fuzzi
>135 haydninvienna: who is JWCjr?
138ScoLgo
My guess would be John W Campbell, jr? Author of Who Goes There? and (in)famous editor from the Golden Age of SF.
140Novak
>138 ScoLgo: So .. .. .. .. It's a quiz now, is it?
141haydninvienna
>137 fuzzi: >138 ScoLgo: Exactly right.
143fuzzi
>139 ScoLgo: ::chuckling::
144hfglen
Drove past the shopping centre that houses our local Specsavers, and had to smile. Next to the eye-man is a health-food shop. Next to them is a place that sells vaping supplies, and (I think) doubles as a tobacconist.
145fuzzi
>144 hfglen: years ago a pet store opened next to a Chinese restaurant. The name of the pet store? "Sweet Pets"
I kid you not, I even took a photo of it!
I kid you not, I even took a photo of it!
146hfglen
>145 fuzzi: ... and no doubt the pet store owner lived and (for ought I know) died blissfully unaware of the problem.
147fuzzi
>146 hfglen: hahaha, nope. They moved to another location (cheaper?) within about a year, but eventually went out of business.
It was a good place for aquarium supplies and fish, but the owner decided to specialize in "marine" (salt water aquariums) and I think they lost too much business from the average aquarist like myself.
Oops, sorry for the hijack.
It was a good place for aquarium supplies and fish, but the owner decided to specialize in "marine" (salt water aquariums) and I think they lost too much business from the average aquarist like myself.
Oops, sorry for the hijack.
148hfglen
Help from Rhodesia Railways in sorting out the "derailment":
There are two well-known finishes for a car: lacquer and liquor.
There are two well-known finishes for a car: lacquer and liquor.
149fuzzi
>148 hfglen: bwahaha! Good one.
150rgurskey
From Facebook;
A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other,
and finally they got married, and had a little sweet
potato, which they called 'Yam'.
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.
They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring Cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland .
And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries.
And when she went out West, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'
Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University ) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.
But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.
Tom Brokaw!
Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.
They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw
Because he's just......
Are you ready for this?
Are you sure?
*
*
OK!
Here it is!
*
*
*
*
A COMMONTATER
A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other,
and finally they got married, and had a little sweet
potato, which they called 'Yam'.
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.
They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring Cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland .
And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries.
And when she went out West, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'
Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University ) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.
But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.
Tom Brokaw!
Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.
They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw
Because he's just......
Are you ready for this?
Are you sure?
*
*
OK!
Here it is!
*
*
*
*
A COMMONTATER
151fuzzi
>150 rgurskey: ha! Cute.
152DylanTucker
Este usuario ha sido eliminado por spam.
153hfglen
>150 rgurskey: love it!
154hfglen
And this was surely a bunch of Rhodesians (their capacity for beer was legendary) ...
Doctor: How's the patient this morning?
Nurse: I think he's gaining consciousness. He tried to blow the foam off his medicine.
Doctor: How's the patient this morning?
Nurse: I think he's gaining consciousness. He tried to blow the foam off his medicine.
156TeaBag88
How's this for irony? . . . . .Four posts this week on another LT thread:
(1) My hobby of course is being a helper on Librarything. I must spend 3 or 4 hours a day acting as a helper. Have over 75000 CK entries
(2) That's an impressive amount of CK. I mostly just do a lot of tag voting.
(3) What is CK?
(4) Common Knowledge.
(1) My hobby of course is being a helper on Librarything. I must spend 3 or 4 hours a day acting as a helper. Have over 75000 CK entries
(2) That's an impressive amount of CK. I mostly just do a lot of tag voting.
(3) What is CK?
(4) Common Knowledge.
157Jim53
A very romantic wife sent her husband this text: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are drinking, send me a sip. I love you!"
The husband texted back, "On the toilet. Please advise."
The husband texted back, "On the toilet. Please advise."
159fuzzi
>158 margd: hahaha!
160TeaBag88
>157 Jim53: Some people take the 'phone everywhere. 😃
And they say romance is dead . . . . .(HE is now!)
And they say romance is dead . . . . .(HE is now!)
161humouress
>157 Jim53: At least her husband asked for advice.
162hfglen
Bookmarque's latest picture reminds me of the man who perforce found himself staying over at a monastery one Friday night. The meal he was offered turned out to be unexpectedly good and so he cornered one of the residents and asked how he should go about conveying his compliments to the chef. The answer he received:
"You want the Fish Friar. I'm only the Chip Monk."
"You want the Fish Friar. I'm only the Chip Monk."
1632wonderY
>162 hfglen:. Oh! I wonder if the fish fries are on this year. Probably not yet. ☹️
164TeaBag88
>162 hfglen: Good joke, good play on words, sad we don't know where said picture is.
166TeaBag88
>165 hfglen: Got it! I saw what you did there 😃😃
What a wonderful thread, after admiring the chipmunk I went on to read the whole thread and the photos. Just fantastic (and a good joke as a bonus) Many thanks.
What a wonderful thread, after admiring the chipmunk I went on to read the whole thread and the photos. Just fantastic (and a good joke as a bonus) Many thanks.
167smirks4u
>1 margd: Very nice.
A man from Albania was having trouble communicating to his American girlfriend. He told her he loved her. She replied, "Ditto!"
(What is this 'ditto'? Does she love me? Is she making a joke?!)
He goes to his friend with better English and gets his advice.
"Okay. Everything is okay. It's like this. If I tell you I have a cabbage and you have a cabbage: I can say 'I have a cabbage!' You can just say, "Ditto." Get it?"
"Okay! Thank you!"
On the next date the young lady snuggles up. She says, "You know what? I really love you!"
He smiles serenely and says, "Cabbage."
---
An engineering student was studying by the clock tower when he buddy rolls up on a new bicycle. "Where did you get that?"
"You'll never believe it. That girl that always wears the sundresses came up to me, took off her clothes, and said 'Take anything you want!" The buddy who was studying was now checking out the derailleurs and brakes.
"Good choice. You wouldn't fit in her clothes anyway."
---
What time do baby alligators go to sleep?
About nine o'croc.
A man from Albania was having trouble communicating to his American girlfriend. He told her he loved her. She replied, "Ditto!"
(What is this 'ditto'? Does she love me? Is she making a joke?!)
He goes to his friend with better English and gets his advice.
"Okay. Everything is okay. It's like this. If I tell you I have a cabbage and you have a cabbage: I can say 'I have a cabbage!' You can just say, "Ditto." Get it?"
"Okay! Thank you!"
On the next date the young lady snuggles up. She says, "You know what? I really love you!"
He smiles serenely and says, "Cabbage."
---
An engineering student was studying by the clock tower when he buddy rolls up on a new bicycle. "Where did you get that?"
"You'll never believe it. That girl that always wears the sundresses came up to me, took off her clothes, and said 'Take anything you want!" The buddy who was studying was now checking out the derailleurs and brakes.
"Good choice. You wouldn't fit in her clothes anyway."
---
What time do baby alligators go to sleep?
About nine o'croc.
168smirks4u
>7 YouKneeK: Right there with you. I am afraid to keep dragon out these punchlines.
169smirks4u
>15 margd: 2020 was horrible. I just kept waiting for someone to remember to yell,
JUMANJI!
JUMANJI!
170smirks4u
>21 rgurskey: That was excellent.
Why can’t you trust an atom?
They make up everything.
---
A physicist, a biologist, and a chemist were going to the ocean for the first time. The physicist saw the ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves and walked into the ocean. Obviously he was drowned and never returned.
The biologist said he wanted to do research on the life forms inside the ocean and walked into the water. He, too, never returned.
The chemist waited for a long time and afterwards, wrote the observation, “The physicist and the biologist are soluble in ocean water.”
Why can’t you trust an atom?
They make up everything.
---
A physicist, a biologist, and a chemist were going to the ocean for the first time. The physicist saw the ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves and walked into the ocean. Obviously he was drowned and never returned.
The biologist said he wanted to do research on the life forms inside the ocean and walked into the water. He, too, never returned.
The chemist waited for a long time and afterwards, wrote the observation, “The physicist and the biologist are soluble in ocean water.”
171smirks4u
>47 haydninvienna: You will be put away in the punetentiary for that one.
A farmer's wife saw him sitting on the front porch steps, staring into the sunset. She brought him a glass of tea and sat with him. She saw a tear on his cheek.
"Honey?" she asked, "What's the matter?"
"You remember twenty years ago? We both ran down in the creek bottom together for a couple hours. Your father brought a shotgun and the sheriff to my house and said I was going to marry you or go to prison?"
She snuggled both hands around his arm and laid her head on his shoulder. "I sure do, Honey."
"I'd have gotten out today."
A farmer's wife saw him sitting on the front porch steps, staring into the sunset. She brought him a glass of tea and sat with him. She saw a tear on his cheek.
"Honey?" she asked, "What's the matter?"
"You remember twenty years ago? We both ran down in the creek bottom together for a couple hours. Your father brought a shotgun and the sheriff to my house and said I was going to marry you or go to prison?"
She snuggled both hands around his arm and laid her head on his shoulder. "I sure do, Honey."
"I'd have gotten out today."
172smirks4u
>128 hfglen: This joke was only funny, and only a little bit, in 1981:
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was safety-pinned to a punk rocker.
---
A young woman in the deep woods had fallen deeply in love with a city boy named Clarence. Her two gigantic brothers, and more gigantic father, were enraged. They got the mattock handles and riding crop and piled into the truck. None of them read very well. They murmured as they drove about what old Clarence was going to learn.
They approached an overhead railway which read, "Clearance, 9'11"
The brothers sat silently until their father finally said, "Boys, who are we to question true love?"
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was safety-pinned to a punk rocker.
---
A young woman in the deep woods had fallen deeply in love with a city boy named Clarence. Her two gigantic brothers, and more gigantic father, were enraged. They got the mattock handles and riding crop and piled into the truck. None of them read very well. They murmured as they drove about what old Clarence was going to learn.
They approached an overhead railway which read, "Clearance, 9'11"
The brothers sat silently until their father finally said, "Boys, who are we to question true love?"
173fuzzi
>167 smirks4u: I've heard a variation of that engineering student joke before, but it still made me grin.
174smirks4u
>173 fuzzi: Creature lives to serve the noble house of Fuzzi. ( with apologies to Harry Potter)
175smirks4u
For all you physicists:
What Did The Higgs Boson Say When It Was Prevented From Entering The Church?
"How can you have mass without me?"
What Did The Higgs Boson Say When It Was Prevented From Entering The Church?
"How can you have mass without me?"
176AHS-Wolfy
My other half and I seemed to be going through a rocky patch so we decided to spice things up in the bedroom and bought a water bed. Unfortunately it didn't have the desired effect as we seemed to just drift further apart.
178rgurskey
Him: We can have gatherings of up to eight people without issues.
Her: I don't even know eight people without issues.
Her: I don't even know eight people without issues.
180cindydavid4
>178 rgurskey: HAHahaha!
182TeaBag88
Do you think I aught to own up about the teapot I ordered on ebay from China that was in a container on that boat in the Suez Canal? Jonah.
183fuzzi
>182 TeaBag88: slow boat from China... ;)
184smirks4u
>183 fuzzi: Haha. :)
---
So Amazon workers will vote against forming a workers' union today. In a locked room, at 4:30 a. m., UPS and FedEx workers will later discover 1400 more votes to unionize in locked containers.
---
So Amazon workers will vote against forming a workers' union today. In a locked room, at 4:30 a. m., UPS and FedEx workers will later discover 1400 more votes to unionize in locked containers.
185smirks4u
What do you call an Italian dish that is equal but more equal than other Italian dishes? Animal Parm.~~~
Jane Austen finally got a Match.com profile: "If forced to endure your company, I might eventually come to love you..." ~~~
You know who else put his friends into little circles?
Dante.
~~~
Footnote thanks to https://www.weareteachers.com/literature-jokes/#:~:text=%2015%20Cheesy%20But%20H...
Jane Austen finally got a Match.com profile: "If forced to endure your company, I might eventually come to love you..." ~~~
You know who else put his friends into little circles?
Dante.
~~~
Footnote thanks to https://www.weareteachers.com/literature-jokes/#:~:text=%2015%20Cheesy%20But%20H...
186fuzzi
>184 smirks4u: >185 smirks4u: you're a punny person!
189AHS-Wolfy
The CEO of IKEA was just elected president in Sweden... He should have his cabinet together by the end of the week.
190smirks4u
As part of their camouflage program, the Norway Royal Navy will now be incorporating a dappled bar code for each ship just behind the anchor chain area of the bow.
That way, they can...
wait for it....
Scan da Navy in
That way, they can...
wait for it....
Scan da Navy in
191ScoLgo
>190 smirks4u: Thank you. As a Swede, I am fully in favor of this joke's inclusion in this thread.
>189 AHS-Wolfy: This joke also! (except Sweden has a Prime Minister instead of a President </nitpick>)
>189 AHS-Wolfy: This joke also! (except Sweden has a Prime Minister instead of a President </nitpick>)
193hfglen
Just seen a delicious Irish Bull in the South African Railways Magazine of August 1962:
"One of the salient features of the new train service which came into operation at the end of July, is a night train from Kimberley to Bloemfontein which will run every day.
"One of the salient features of the new train service which came into operation at the end of July, is a night train from Kimberley to Bloemfontein which will run every day.
194hfglen
Reconstruction of an item in the South African Railways Magazine of 1963:
Caption: "Costs about a buck a day to feed".
(I have substituted a lion image of my own)
Caption: "Costs about a buck a day to feed".
(I have substituted a lion image of my own)
196hfglen
>195 humouress: Rhodesia Railways Magazine is even better, but these days nearly always Politically Incorrect.
197hfglen
Doctor: Now do exactly all I have told you, and don't forget to take a bath before retiring.
Patient: But Doctor, I don't retire for another ten years yet.
Patient: But Doctor, I don't retire for another ten years yet.
198pgmcc
>197 hfglen: :-)
199hfglen
From the South African Railways Magazine, May 1965:
We salute the station foreman who thought that sex was something the Free State farmers despatched their mealies* in.
*mealies: maize (UK); corn (US).
We salute the station foreman who thought that sex was something the Free State farmers despatched their mealies* in.
*mealies: maize (UK); corn (US).
201fuzzi
>200 pgmcc: hehehe...
202pgmcc
>201 fuzzi: You will probably have noticed I used that one on my thread in my comments about a book. I am never one to avoid repetition when I can avoid it.
If a bad joke is good enough to repeat, repeat it again and again and again…
If a bad joke is good enough to repeat, repeat it again and again and again…
204hlfuller
>114 fuzzi: That’d be a *hot* time in the old town
206clamairy
There's a newer thread, good people... The link is here: https://www.librarything.com/topic/339395
Este tema fue continuado por Bad Joke of the Day 12.