Membership renewal

As everyone remembers, the annual membership renewal drive (8/5 - 9/5) is coming to an end. The agents report that this has been a tough year for collecting dues. Fifty percent of the members didn't answer the door, fifty percent didn't have the correct change, thirty-five percent pretended they didn't know anything about the Hugotontheonbiquiffinarians, and twenty percent paid in full. No board members could be found.

This is a secret society. The thirty-five percent pretending not know anything about the Hugotontheonbiquiffinarians are the ones who understood.

P.s.: I deny any knowledge of what you're on about!

I think the 20% who paid should be investigated. They are obviously imposters.

In which case, I will only pay 80%, so you can be assured I am legitimate. When you find me.

#1 No board members could be found.

But did you find any bored members?

PS I'm told that due to an absence of local squirrels, I pay dues to the local vervet monkeys. Is this correct? If so, I'm in credit till about the year 6543.

#5

the monkey to squirrel exchange rate is very unfavorable this year.

7 > That's just awl-ful.

It is 3 acorns this year? Although with inflation, I suggest it be raised to 7 over 2 years, your thoughts?

Guido.

2 acorns and a walnut (or "tiny wooden brain", if you prefer it's real name) seems like a fair price.

You can get a lifetime membership for 5 acorns and a purple thistlehead. A real bargain considering the benefits you receive.

And, of course, if you can't afford it, you can always use "sweet equity" (sugar, honey, Cool Whip, pistachio pudding).

I have a jar of walnuts soaking in honey. What'll that get me?

I believe that gets you a place on the Board but with all the accompanying paperwork. You might just want to stick with the five acorns and purple thistlehead.

How many burrs does it take to make up one purple thistlehead?

Can the purple thistlehead come from a flowering artichoke?

#7 This does not augur well...or maybe it does...

*presents tiny wooden brain and tiny purple fist*

Congratulations, reconditereader. You just qualified for the coveted Head Financial Goombah and Bottle Washer position. Your tiara will arrive under separate cover.

I read the message in the raking pattern of the zen garden, went to the dead letter drop and received an invoice for £6.00. Here you go.

I look forward to the tiara, but BarkingMatt seems to have forgotten that he is already the bottle-washer!

I am? Well, that would explain the unwashed bottles...

You can borrow the tiara, if you want.

When scrubbing bottles, wouldn't it be easier to use a bottle-brush than a tiara? But hey, different strokes...

Either way it gets tangled in your hair.

I think that #21 - #25 above, explain why we " Have not yet taken over the World".

Err. I couldn't find the ominous music. Sigh.

It took 3 years, but we have finally recovered the missing ominous music. Ummm, now where did we put the Victrola?

Three years? Is the time-stream messed up again?

When is was will it not be messed/messing up?

Please correct with appropriate punctuation in order to receive full credit for this assignment.

>30 jillmwo: I was using temporal imperfect, which sadly came into common usage once the internet was replaced by BrainWeb. I have now banned future-me from using it.
>31 mrgrooism: Yes, he did. :>/