Janet Lansbury

I had mixed feelings about this book. I applied much of the advice immediately, but Lansbury frequently triggered my internal critic.

For example, she is against using shortcut phrases like "use your inside voice". She thinks they are condescending and you would never use them with adults. However, as a manager, I can say that if there is an adult that you are in a mentoring relationship with, and you've discussed an area for improvement before, then you might well use such shortcuts. Hopefully, most adults don't need to be told to be quieter, but a look between a manager and a team member who tends to dominate meetings is the same sort of shortcut.

Another example is that she thinks distraction is terrible. While I generally agree with her, I think it's more nuanced. Yes, interrupting an argument with "here, mop the floor" (her example) would be rude, but taking a break and doing something distracting for a few minutes can help us regain control of our emotions. The same technique can be effective with children if it's used as a way to gain emotional distance, not just as a way to avoid confronting problematic behavior. Also, she presents the line between distractions (bad!!!!) and presenting alternatives (good!!!!) as being much less fuzzy than it really is.

I also dislike the way Lansbury confuses boundaries and leadership with power and authority. She frequently says that children want to know that their parents are the ones with power, not them. I think that phrasing this in terms of power struggles is harmful. Children need consistently enforced boundaries, but making it about power focuses on obedience for obedience sake -- "because I said so" -- rather than on teaching children to internalize boundaries and apply them even when there is no authority figure to enforce compliance.

On to the things that I do like. I like the emphasis on respecting children as people. I like that she points out the ways in which toddler pushing boundaries is developmentally good. I like the emphasis on involving children and offering them autonomy. I like the use of direct, unambiguous language: "I won't let you..." instead of "why don't you stop...". I like the emphasis on setting limits and consequences early -- before you get angry and make unreasonable demands -- and then following through. I like the way she assures parents that something being distressing or inconvenient for the parent is a valid reason to ask for a behavior change.

I want to unpack that last one a little. Lansbury emphasizes that children should have opportunity to explore and try things. Parents taking their feelings into account is not about them shaping the child's life so as to be convenient for the parent. But if you spent 20 minutes folding the laundry, it's ok to tell your child not to unfold it, even if there's not material harm. If a technically harmless behavior is annoying enough that you feel yourself losing your cool, then it's ok to tell the child to stop. As Lansbury points out, part of responsible parenting is teaching children to be successful relationship partners, and that involves dealing with the ways their behavior causes problems for others.

I suspect that some of the things I dislike about the book would be improved if this were not a member of the genre of blogs converted to books without significant restructuring. A more principled presentation of the values she espouses would make it clearer what's an opinion and what's core. That said, there are some things, such as the power/authority emphasis, that I think are fundamental problems. Fortunately, in practice, the advice she gives would not be substantially changed by phrasing it in terms of boundaries rather than power.… (más)

This was a reasonable, easy-to-follow, and quick-to-read book about how to get a small child to behave appropriately. I enjoyed reading it, and while I didn't get a lot of new ideas out of it I did appreciate seeing how a pro agrees with the things I'm already doing.

Here were some notes I took from the text:

Letting the child sit by themselves while they eat at toddler-sized table and chair (rather than at the table in a highchair) that the kid can leave themselves often helps. Also give them tiny portions that let the kid ask for more when they finish something.

Saying, “I won’t let you.” is a better "no" because it is gentle, focused, and doesn't invite an argument.

The author laid out a clear roadmap for toddler discipline like this:
1. Respectful, honest, first-person communication about expectations and plans.
2. Acknowledging the child's desires and feelings.
3. Keep directions simple and concise, in a confident, matter-of-fact, unquestioning tone.
2. Set limits early before the child becomes upset.
3. Follow through with limits and keep your word about what will happen when limits are reached or exceeded. For example, catching the child’s hands (or feet) when he lashes out while saying, “I won’t let you hit.… (más)

This book explains a parenting approach that I intuitively like through short chapters that are actually popular posts from the author's blog. It's a very easy read but I also wish it had laid more of a foundation for the approach. Is there any research or other (non-anecdotal) evidence to back up its effectiveness? It is my first exposure to RIE and it may be that someone like Magda Gerber has covered that in her books, but just reading this book is not enough to feel that you really understand the philosophy and its foundations.… (más)