Lori Duron

[Please scroll down a bit for English]

Aki ismeri a raisingmyrainbow.com blogot, annak nem ajánlom. Kevés benne az újdonság a bloghoz képest, így alig vártam, hogy a végére érjek. Aki viszont nem ismeri a blogot, annak szívből ajánlom. A könyv jó összefoglalója az eddig történteknek, és az is kiderül, milyen szellemesen ír Lori. Utána lehet folytatni az olvasást a blogon.

A főszereplő Lori elbűvölő kisebbik fia, CJ, aki a lányos dolgokat szereti. Nyomon követhetjük, hogyan birkóznak meg ezzel a helyzettel a családtagok, barátok, tanárok, iskolatársak. Közben mi is fontos leckéket kapunk empátiából, toleranciából, szülőségből (bármilyen nyálasan hangzik is ez).

------------------------------------------------

The battle is on between “[…] all the nosy mothers within ten miles, all of whom have their degree in child development with a minor in judging people.” (p. 130) and Lori, a.k.a. CJ’s Mom, who “[…] works part-time as a business consultant, full-time as a mother and overtime as a walking panic attack.” (http://raisingmyrainbow.com/cast-of-characters/)

As an enthusiastic follower of the blog, I had the constant feeling that I had read this before. If you want to own a hard copy and put it on your shelf, go ahead. It even has a foreword by David Burtka and Neil Patrick Harris! As much as I love the blog though, I feel I shouldn’t have bought this book. I’ve been reading every post for a couple of years now, so it is probably hard to tell me anything new from times past.

Still, it is definitely more than a collection of blog posts. A coherent text that summarizes the first few years and all the struggles and joys of raising a gender creative child. Written with a great sense of humour, the episodes I already know still melt my heart or upset me. It was interesting to remember recent posts while reading the book. I had an instant follow-up in certain cases.

If you are not familiar with the blog, the book is a great place to start. And I strongly recommend that you start following the blog as well. Lori and her family are amazing. They teach us so much about empathy, and how to be a great parent, no matter what your child’s unique needs are. They show us how to love and support our children, “no matter what”. In addition, Lori and Matt are probably the first real-life couple I ‘encountered’ who work as a great team as parents. As Lori says, “[h]e has always been there with me every step of whatever journey I take.”(p.235)

Lori also taught us loads about bullying, and how to deal with it. She shares all the detailed knowledge she gathered while trying to protect her children, with the exact legal steps you can take in the US. The end of the book hosts some great lists, including a Reader’s Guide, Twelve Things Every Gender-Nonconforming Child Wants You to Know, invaluable Tips for Educators and Resources to turn to.

I always think of this wonderful family when my son tells me things like the girls in his class said he couldn’t play in the toy kitchen, because it was for girls. Or when he coloured a clown purple, the girls told him he should be a girl because of the colour he chose. Then I tell him that colours and toys are not for girls or for boys only. That is a sentence I learned from Lori. I don’t know whether I knew what to say in these instances otherwise.

What is this thing with toy kitchens being for girls anyway? Most of the chefs, including world renowned ones are men. Even a cook I know was upset because his son liked to play with a toy kitchen. But he himself is a male cook!

What about clothes? How is it acceptable if I like the colour blue or prefer wearing trousers, if manufacturers make pink shirts for grown men but it is not okay for young boys to wear pink? My son’s favourite colours are red and purple. He also likes pink. In clothes, he likes red, blue and black. There aren’t many purple (or pink) boys’ clothes. He loves everything firefighter, cars and other vehicles, including the garbage truck, everything connected to building houses, numbers, letters, he disassembles everything and reassembles some, and he loves to draw. With all kinds of colours. He is a boy’s boy with favourite colours not everyone approves of. Lucky that we don’t seek their approval. I am grateful to Lori for teaching me that, too. To remember what is important: the happiness of your child, and what is not: what other people might think.

I know struggles from a year of lactose intolerance. I know how parents don’t want unnecessary hardships for their child. I know how adults are so much less accepting and flexible than children. Sometimes I couldn’t decide whether they truly weren’t able to understand the situation or just didn’t want to. Other times I was exhausted from the constant struggle. Often I was sad that my child felt left out because of his condition. I am glad it was temporary and I know it was less of a challenge than raising a gender creative boy.

If there is anything everyone could and should learn from this book and the blog, they are the following:

1. Love and support your child. No matter what.

2. “It’s a lesson more in empathy than in gender.” (p. 180.). You are encouraged “[…] to learn – as we have – to judge less, imagine more, and treat others as they would like to be treated.” (p. 252.)… (más)

Disclaimer: I don't have a gender creative son. I don't even have a son. My male dog has worn a tutu before.

So my wife's school is going to read this book, and she suggested I check it out first. OK, I'll take a look. The beginning of the book was engaging and honest about a mom who raises a gender creative son. Lori is likable enough and I grew to care for her family and story.

Chapters are really short. Perhaps, the author writes a blog so much, she's used to more blog sized writing.

I kept thinking how bad I felt because I would probably be feeling awful in her shoes. It would feel like a failure if I raised a son who wanted to play with girl toys..... so I'm glad this book exists to educate me on this matter.

As we moved further into the book, I was struck with a bigger picture question. The book really wants to celebrate natural behavior, even if its gender non conforming. This is a good natural behavior the author wants to cultivate. Surely, there are a lots of natural behaviors we want to eradicate. (I've been struggling to find a great analogy so I'll throw out a few and see if any stick). Based on our history, the human race really likes to wage war. Based on books like Lord of the Flies, we bully and are still at heart animals.

In light of recent news on gay marriage ... it made me wonder, what current "crime" are we doing which will be deemed acceptable in 50 years? 70 years ago Turing was being charged with the crime of being gay. 40 years ago, my relatives had to go to California to get legally married (white and asian getting married?!)

Any way, back to the book. Reading Raising my Rainbow will generate questions and discussions. It's a worthy read.… (más)

"Amemoir about raising a gender-creative child.

Like most parents, Duron and her husband had certain expectations about who their sons would grow up to be, but when their younger son, C.J., discovered and fell in love with Barbie, they had to slowly begin changing their ideas. C.J. liked dolls, his favorite colors were pink and purple, and he enjoyed dressing up in girls’ clothes—all atypical behaviors for a 3-year-old male. Having grown up with a brother who is homosexual, Duron was on the lookout for potentially gay behavior in C.J. It was only as C.J. continued to cross-dress and then announced one day to his father that when he grew up, he was going to be a girl, that Duron realized she might have a gender-nonconforming child. The author honestly and humorously expresses the delight and dismay her family lived through as they watched and adjusted to the increasingly interesting and sometimes very awkward moments of life with C.J. Like all good parents, Duron and her husband didn't squelch C.J's desires but encouraged him to become who he was meant to be, allowing him to have princess-themed birthday parties and "girl" toys from Santa Claus while ignoring the looks and comments of neighbors and the parents of classroom friends. As the first few years passed and C.J.'s behavior continued on the gender-nonconforming spectrum, Duron searched for information on how to safely raise an LGBTQ child. When she couldn't find as much help as she needed, she decided to blog about her experiences in order to connect with and help others in this same situation. Many decisions still lie ahead—for example, hormone therapy and/or surgery for C.J., as well as the need to address the bullying both sons have received—and the author tackles these issues head-on with intelligence and compassion.

A heartfelt examination of raising a boy who wants to be a girl." www.kirkusreviews.com… (más)

I didn't expect to like this book as much as I did in the end. I think it's really important that books like this exist, showing that it is possible to change and become more accepting. There were times when I disliked their approach to allowing or not allowing CJ to do or wear what he'd like, but throughout the book there was a journey of growing understanding and acceptance with a strong underlying love for their children.

The concern about the bullying of a sibling of a trans or gender non-conforming child or teen is often something that parents are terrified of. I thought it was interesting that while the parents have concerns they generally let CJ express himself and deal with the consequences to his older brother. I think their approach, especially toward the end of the book where they went in hard and dealt with the bullying without pushing it back onto CJ and restricting him. It was the opposite of victim blaming and I think this is an ideal model way of dealing with this situation.

The detailed information about how to deal with bullying at a school was interesting to me even though I'm in the UK and I'm sure it would be very useful to parents in California and the US.

I loved that they found a sympathetic and knowledgeable therapist as that can be so hard to find, as evidenced by the first person they went to see. There's insight into good therapeutic practice with this therapist, that might be a good takeaway for some parents.

The foreword from Neil Patrick Harris & David Burtka completely missed the point of the book though and made me mad before I'd even started the book. The takeaway from this book isn't that we will all love our kids no matter what or something. It's that kids should be free to be non-conforming and we should examine our prejudices against that. We should teach our kids that they don't have to conform and neither do their peers, they're free to play with and wear things from the whole children's section. We need to provide our children with opportunities to go outside the boundaries they're given by society and raise them to question stereotypes and assumptions.

I think I would definitely recommend this book to parents who are struggling to come to terms with their child's gender expression or identity as I think it reflects a lot of common viewpoints and shows how it is possible to come to a different conclusion.… (más)