When this girl at the museum asked me whom I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.

Higher beings from outer space may not want to tell us the secrets of life, because we're not ready. But maybe they'll change their tune after a little torture.

As the snow started to fall, he tugged his coat tighter around himself. Too tight, as it turned out.
    "This is the fourth coat crushing this year," said the police sergeant as he outlined the body with a special pencil that writes on snow.

I'm telling you, just attach a big parachute to the plane itself! Is anyone listening to me?!

It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating.

I think a good scene in a movie would be where one scientist tells another scientist: "You know what will save the world? You're holding it in your hand." And the other scientist looks, and in his hand are some peanuts. Then, when he looks up, the first scientist is being taken away to the insane asylum.